what a day 2.11.05

do i think things can get worse, wouldn't have thought so this morning as i enjoyed a much needed lie in and ignored the phone ringing. of course i am always wrong.

the landline rang, then menekses mobile, then my mobile spooky, especially as normally the phones never ring. i am one of those people who really really doesn't know why i have a mobile, although its useful for ringing the RAC.

our delivery driver had seen the electricity suppliers breaking into the shop and cutting off the electric supply i really really love my husband but sometimes his systems just don't work. apparently he had the warning letter just before his mum was taken ill and so of course he forgot to mention it in his haste to get home!!

now, i have paid the bill, but its going to be TEN DAYS before we are reconnected!! what is that about so i am trying to stay calm and look on the bright side. i have the following plans for the next ten days.....
1. go to church tonight.
2. pick up gloria for church tonight
3. get an early night
4. watch Lost live
5. get up early
6. pray and read our bibles together and individually
7. do school work
8. clean the house
9. tidy the lounge
10. catch up on our sleep

i feel calm inside. i know that is because i am a Christian, i know that God is in control and that all things work together for good (romans 8:28) and i am thankful that He can see the whole picture - because lets face it the bit i can see is pretty bleak. but then i think of those christians facing persecution and jail all over the world, not to mention those caught up in events such as the recent earthquake etc. they manage to hold onto their faith and glorify God in circumstances much worse than mine, i am actually very very blessed and am very thankful that i have good health and strength, healthy kids, civil and religious liberty, a good marriage, a roof over our heads, food on the table, a good church to go to, an open bible in my own language etc etc.

which then makes me wonder how people with no faith manage to cope, how do people cope if they dont have a relationship with God, a personal relationship i mean. its a mystery to me. must go and get menekse from riding, she is a little under the weather so a rest will do her good too.

Where to start? 1.11.05

can't actually remember the last time i wrote on my blog. perhaps i should check before i start repeating myself, a bad habit that i am prone to

I see that i was last here on friday, before the ladies meeting. since so much has happened its probably best to start where i left off.......

the ladies meeting was fine, there were only 4 of us, but still we had a good time, i managed to get a cup of tea before having to rush off for the taxi i had ordered. needless to say i couldn't answer any of the questions because i hadn't studied the book. must do better.

this last weekend was a big scooter rally weekend in our town. which means our shop is very very busy. so on friday we had all the usual suspects working plus number 2 reserve. i made menekse go home at 10 p.m.ish and i stayed until the end, doing the till to avoid anyone dipping in. it was VERY VERY busy. not deliveries, but in the shop. 'stacked yeah'. as number 1 reserve would say. but as my husband promised there was no trouble and everyone was really nice, in the face of the obvious fact that we had no idea what we were doing. my husband really is the glue that holds things together. which reminds me - i am (almost) getting bored of everyone telling me what a fantastic bloke he is, how wonderfully kind, generous, etc. everyone loves him - then the women say 'but i don't fancy him', its really very flattering to know that i am married to someone who is, apparently, a hero to so many. anyway, we worked flat out until 1.30 a.m. then of course we had to close the door. people get a bit stroppy when you won't let them in, they don't believe its the police who are making us close. well, i suppose it is difficult to understand why a kebab shop has to close but the places which sell the alcohol can stay open almost indefintely but thats the way it is. more of that later.

we were so busy meric and i had to go to cash and carry again on saturday, so we killed two birds with one stone and went to see The Legend of Zorro with Antonio. an excellent, silly bit of escapism, just what we go to the cinema for.
then it was back to the shop for me, meric stayed at home, too many cooks and all that. the shop was quiet until just gone midnight, then it went CRAZY!! really really mad. busier than friday. thankfully i had let menekse stay. at 1.25 a.m. (bst) i had to close because there were just so many people in the shop and we were running out of doner and pizzas. i did the door. of course the clocks went back at 2 a.m. so i told people i was re-opening, by 1.50 a.m. (bst) we had a queue outside the door!! we cleared the shop, the staff all had a fag, then we let them in again. at 1.20 a.m. (gmt) i had to close the door again because there were just too many people. the shop over the road had, for once, closed at 1.30 (bst), when they saw us re-open they were mad, , they re-opened as well. they are pretty new, flash in the pan wide boys, i reckon they will be gone in 6 months, they don't know what they are doing and their food is rubbish. plus there is too many of them. anyway, they stayed open until 2.10 (gmt) which is illegal, they do think they are above the law. they also haven't applied for their new license for the end of this month. we all have to have a late night refreshment license to open past 11 p.m. - it cost us £300 and we just got ours today, the other shop haven't applied. while i was discussing the licensing with the policeman in charge it slipped out that this shop have been opening later than allowed on a regular basis and how unfair it was. the police actually kept coming and checking on us. so, my friend the policeman is going to check up on them!

anyway, menekse and i didn't get home until 4 a.m. (gmt) which of course was madness, we watched last weeks casualty and then tried to sleep, neither of us could. my brother in law came at 10 a.m. to collect the stuff i have been storing for them, they finally found a house they like and have moved (nearer to me, yippee). so, sunday was pretty much lost. we didn't make church in the morning. went out for lunch, then i went to church in the evening whilst meric helped at the shop. then i was going to send menekse home. but the guy who is repairing my kitchen floor called while i was at church to say he was coming 9 a.m monday, the dogs hairdresser was also coming at 8.45 a.m.

so, meric and i spent two hours emptying the kitchen into the lounge which, so far this year, has had mums stuff, then my sisters stuff and now my stuff in it!! needless to say the whole house looks a tip and i have a visiting minister coming this weekend. fantastic. i went back to the shop and sent menekse home to bed.

monday the dog hairdresser arrived and did a fantastic job of the dogs hair. then the workmen arrived, then i got the kids up so that we could go and see my sisters new house. also my lovely niece is walking and i wanted to see that. when we got home the childrens meeting at church was cancelled because all the kids were out trick or treating. the floor was finished but the walls haven't been done because its not part of the job so i am withholding the cheque until i speak to the insurance company.

then meric went to swimming training and menekse and i watched another casualty on video. the doorbell was going crazy. we actually had the lights switched off. obviously i don't do halloween. i have tried various approaches. telling people thank you very much but we don't participate, result - abuse. so, then we tried giving out things like sweets plus a tract, or a pencil with a bible text, result - abuse. so, this year i thought we would just ignore the door, result - abuse. one of the dads actually hammered on the windows and shouted at us. i was quite scared. i did ring the police, but obviously they can't do anything. leaving aside my christian feelings (the bible says 'suffer not a witch to live' - its one of the things that the Lord views very seriously). i also feel that this is begging with menace - if a homeless person carried on like that he/she would be arrested wouldn't they? what exactly does this imported festival teach kids?
anyway, must go

in the midst of chaos.......28.10.05

there is, apparently, more chaos.

so, the turkish guy who is helping us out whilst my husband is away was ill last night, a migraine or something, he was trying to be brave but it was obvious he couldn't work. our first reserve was also unavailable, which left second reserve. the problem with the reserves is, not to put too finer a point on it, they can not be trusted in the till! so, menekse and ginger did the food in the shop, menekse doing her usual 'me superwoman i can do everything' impersonation meric did the till and helped with the pizzas, he also finally managed to answer the phone a couple of times. i went to the prayer meeting at church, but i also picked my friend up from a village 12 miles away, i know i know

the prayer meeting had almost finished when menekse rushed into the hall. the delivery driver had had an accident, not his fault and everyone was ok but the car was a right off. so i had to leave immediately, trusting someone to take Gloria home (they did). on the way back to the shop we saw the car, what a mess, the driver was a bit shaken up, the police were there and the other driver admitted liability. so i had to finish the deliveries for the night. the shop was busier than it had been all week but not packed out. then we had to put a cash and carry list together, so, it was about 2.30 a.m when we got home

needless to say i couldn't sleep, i looked at the clock at 4.20 a.m. menekse got up herself and went off to riding for a couple of hours, i was woken by the parcel force guy delivering the wireless package for the laptop. ha ha, don't know whether i am going to be able to do that or not.

so, i sorted out the kitchen and the laundry then meric and i went to cash and carry, then to the butchers. now i am supposed to be revising the book of Joel for the ladies meeting in an hour, i can't get Gloria because my car is being used for deliveries. its the scooter boy weekend so we are expecting to be busy. things in turkiye are looking ok, my mother in law is alot happier now she is home which means my husband is happier. thankfully.

working in the town centre in the middle of the night is a real eye opener. why oh why do women allow men to treat them in such an awful, degrading way? there is a text in proverbs 31 which says 'who can find a virtuous woman, her worth is far above rubies' - not many of those kind of women in our town i can tell you. somehow, it seems to me, that things must be really bad because the women are behaving so badly - lets face it men/lads have always got drunk, sworn, behaved inappropriately, it must be in their genes or something. but women have always been a kind of calming influence, but now the women/girls are worse than the men, i kid you not. its very upsetting.

i bought some books yesterday, which made me feel a whole lot better, i can't wait for them to come. in the meantime i am off to the ladies meeting and then to the delights of a kebab shop until the wee small hours.

a brief blog 27.10.05

a brief blog...

this is a brief blog, because i am talking on aol to my friend in florida and we haven't talked for ages and ages. also there is some kind of crisis at our shop - the staff appear to be all ill.

but i wanted to mention someone i know, if you are a praying person please go and look at this blog and pray for this lovely family
http://victorialily.blogspot.com/

i may be back later, i may not.

Good news and some not so good...26.10.05

Well, the not so good news isn't that bad, its just that my lovely husband isn't coming home until after Bayram (thats Eid in arabic). he said he will be home around the 15th of november, i miss him so much, but also feel very selfish - after all its not like he is out there having a great holiday or anything.

the good news is that my mother in law is home from hospital. i think because there is nothing more to be done for her from a medical point of view. she can't speak, can't walk and has no movement in her right arm. my brother in law from the states sorted out a hospital bed with an air mattress (i have been wittering on to them about pressure sores), plus he is having a physio and a nurse going in to help take care of her. my sister in law from england will, i think, stay longer. she is the widow of my husbands oldest brother, they lived in the parental home when they first got married, the whole family is so close, its really wonderful. anyway, i think she will stay for a while, then my husband said me and our children might go out there after christmas. not sure. homeschooling in turkiye could be fun!! don't know how i will get all our books out there. still there is nothing definite yet and its all in the Lords hands anyway.

i ordered some books today - it has the immediate effect of cheering me upD i also felt alot better after i had talked to my husband tonight. the burden feels as if it has lifted, there is an end in sight, only two more weekends to go probably.

our fifteen year old daughter has had some kind of weird character explosion, on the whole our children are good kids, they are not rebellious in the worldly sense of the word, indeed they are kind and hardworking (even meric when he puts his mind to it), but menekse had some kind of weird and scary.....well, fit last night!!
i was the delivery driver, then i called my sister on the phone and was on the phone for 20 minutes, menekse tried to call me because there was a delivery, she couldnt get through, she was mad : : seriously!! it was very very funny, but not funny too!!we are all tired and emotional and i think it all got the better of her. when i pointed out that in order to fulfill her horse desires, which i currently pay, she would have to find a 15 hour a week job which pays £5 an hour she soon calmed down!! not that we spend that amount on the horse, but taxis etc soon build up. the funniest thing is that when she gets upset the whole thing escalates and she gets louder and more hysterical and ridiculous. the other night i discovered that she had made a couple of phone calls to austrailia, (dont ask), i actually wasnt that cross, but she just lost it and in the end claimed i was taking the horse off her for a year to pay for the phone bill - at which point i did mildly panic - how long exactly had she been on the phone for i wondered. lol. but the funniest thing is i hadnt actually said anything - well, i couldn't, meric and i were laughing so much

i suppose its just her age, but what with my testosterone fuelled 13 year old boy and my disrupted sleep routine i am not sure if i can cope with this kind of high emotion from menekse as well - she is usually pretty sensible.

well, i have to go, we need to go to the shop, when we come back we are going to watch Lost together. tomorrow menekse is having a lie in, she is going to miss riding just for one day to give her a rest. also her bedroom needs tidying then, because if its not one thing its another, we have to pack half my kitchen up. we need a new floor, on one half and the guy is coming next week to do it!! seriously what great timing!! don't know what i am going to do next weekend when we have a visiting minister over to stay, i will have to farm him out to someone else for meals.

anyway, i better go before i get into trouble again.

Where my sister is from 25.10.05

at the begining of my blog i wrote my version of 'where i am from' - my little sister has done her version, so i thought i would share it....

Where Jocelyn is from.

I am from fish ‘n’ chips, Walker’s crisps and Quality Streets.

I am from cold north winds and sunny summer’s days.

I am from the ocean, moors, and as far as I have travelled.

I am from Sunday lunch, belly pork and dairy product’s, round the dining table!

I am from the sharing of each other’s sandwiches, and having a natter while sitting on the toilet when someone is in the bath.

I am from getting lost in Blackpool, and wearing my knickers on my head.

I am from Yorkshire, born n bred, a bookmaker, and a formidable businesswoman.

I am from the inspirational voyages of Womble, and the silly antics of a poorly dad. And two sisters who I will always look up to.

I am from shoeboxes, bottom drawers, and tatty old suitcases, from broken frames, too precious to replace.

I am from treasures and memories, most happy, some sad.

From happy holidays, all over the world, from tents and campers where we could make our own fun!

I am from a family so warm and forgiving.

I am proud to say – I’m from Jack, Maureen and Wendy.

Tuesdays 25.10.05

am home alone, again, seems like something that is happening more and more lately. of course i am not making good use of my time

i feel strangely disorientated and detached, its very weird, my mood has been very low for several days, i can't do with this complete change of routine. i seem to be doing nothing much other than sleeping and standing in our shop. which makes me feel i am wasting my life, plus we are not really doing much school work which is bothering me, i mean they are learning from the university of life but we do need to do some maths and english at some point, when my husband comes home we will all have to take a break from work and do school stuff for several weeks.

menekse is at horseriding, that at least is giving her a break and keeping her sane-ish. meric is at the pool doing some extra training, the club have decided to have another hours training on sunday evenings, but we of course don't train on the Lords day.

the news from turkiye is that my mother in law seems to be a little more cheerful. she went for another mri scan yesterday, that meant my husband could actually talk to her, she makes eye contact and he sounded a bit better last night. i miss him so much and feel so selfish for feeling like that. i want him to come home. but, he needs to stay and sort out what is going to happen to her when she comes home, my brother in law from the states is there too, and both sisters in law (oldest brother in law died 18 months ago). i keep wondering if they are all still fasting. well, not my husband, he doesn't, but the inlaws from leicester were all fasting when this first started, but there are so many get out clauses perhaps they have given up. sorry, i realise that sounds a bit cynical. but i don't understand ramadan - fast all day and eat all night, what does that teach a person? its just a reversal of lifestyle. the bible teaches that when we fast no-one is to know what we are doing and the time freed up by not having to cook and/or eat should be spent in prayer etc, and then the money given to the work of the Lord, well, thats my take on it, but then i am saved by grace and not by works, lest any man boast. and at the end of the day islam, like all world religions, is a religion of works, the exception being true biblical christianity - the Lord Jesus Christ has done it all for me for which i am so thankful because i know i couldn't earn my salvation.

dear me, this entry has taken a rather unexpected turn today. and at this point i am going to sort out the laundry and have some lunch, i am reading a book called 'divine unity of scripture' by adolph saphir. i was talking to a roman catholic friend the other day about the recent statement by british cardinals that the bible is not true how can a someone who professes Christ say that? its like being a salesman but having no faith in your product

'domestos says it kills all known germs, i dont belive it does, but buy it anyway!' sort of thing - a salesman with that attitude wouldn't last two minutes in his job would he? so why can 'christian' leaders undermine the fundamentals of the faith and keep their jobs?

anyway, i am reading this book i picked up last year at high leigh and if its any good i am going to give it to my friend to read, i gave her a bible a while ago which she was really pleased with.

so, off i go for lunch, bagels and cream cheese, might ring my sister then and see if she is back in the land of communications.

another rant, sigh. 23.10.05

i guess anyone reading this who doesn't actually know me will think i am a bad tempered middle aged woman who spends her life complaining. not true. i am actually pretty easy going.

that said

we own a kebab shop in the middle of our town. we've had the same shop for years, about 12 probably, before that we had another shop in another city before getting driven out by racists, but thats another story.

my husband likes to look after his regulars and families (we get alot of tourists), they are the bread and butter of our shop so to speak. we used to open until 3 a.m., to feed the hungry hoards when they came out of the clubs. then, we were told that all the disorder in town in the early hours of the morning was due to three kebab shops being open too late and that the human rights of local residents to get a good nights sleep were being violated. to that end the police and the council imposed closure notices on us which meant that three out of the four town centre kebab shops had to close at 1.30 a.m. every night, the other shop got to stay open until 3 a.m. this in effect put us out of business, we couldn't sustain the 33% drop in trade. so we sold, the guy who bought it couldn't make a living so he left; we have the shop back because the lease is still in our name; but we are still not making enough to live on. the barrister that we had for the initial court case was rubbish, didn't live in the real world and had no idea about licensing.

anyway, because of this governments drive to get rid of binge drinking and anti-social behaviour our local night club is going to get a license until 4 a.m. from november 24th. the kebab shops are getting until 3 a.m. fridays and saturdays, that privilege has cost us £300. the thing is, the town centre is still not safe for decent people to walk about in - i was going to meet my mum for a meal at 8 p.m. and got verbally abused by some guys with beers in their hands not kebabs, no police to be seen of course.

so last night, after working until the early hours, i went to our local 24 hour shop to buy a ripple to have with my cocoa in an attempt to get a decent nights sleep. outside the shop were 4 youngsters, don't know how old they were, one of them asked me to buy him cigarettes, claimed he was old enough but had no i.d. i politely declined and was subjected to a barrage of abuse. lo and behold i go into the shop and there are TWO of our boys in blue in there (miles from the town centre btw), so i told them what had happened. 'yes we know, they are going to be moved on' was the reply.

i got my ripple and went to pay, the lady serving was talking to policeman number 1 about the kebab shop situation and how no-one goes to number 4 shop because its out of the way. well, i put her straight, poor old police man number 1 just stood looking at the floor. i also pointed out that no residents or police had complained about the nightclub getting its liquor license extended until 4 a.m. seriously am i the only person who thinks that it is alcohol and not kebabs that causes public disorder? or is a kebab really a lethal weapon that incites violence?

anyway, when i got outside the 4 youngsters will still there and proceeded to give me more verbal abuse, well, it was gone 2 a.m. i was tired, i am emotional, i find the kind of people who are up at that time of night difficult to deal with at the best of times, so, i am not ashamed to say it, i snapped . i gave them all a good telling off, told them they should get id and that if they carried on swearing at me i would get the police - so they did and i did.

went in to the spar and shouted the two policeman, i mean at the end of the day we should be able to walk the streets without getting accosted and abused by all and sundry and surely this is what the police should be doing rather than driving past our shop every couple of minutes from 1.15 a.m. to make sure we close on time. seriously i kid you not. i told the police man to DEAL WITH IT. got in the car and drove back to our shop because i was so mad.

i have always been brought up to respect the police, believing that our police and legal system are the best in the world. well, i am here to tell you that that is not true. the police in our town want a quiet life, so they hide in their police cars or in the 24-hour shops and then try to shift the blame - a more visible police presence on the streets would be enough to deal with alot of the disorder, now all that happens is that people fight in the streets while they are all congregated in one place waiting for the taxis, instead of dispersing to the kebab shops and eating something to soak up the alcohol. and of course alot of taxi drivers won't work at that time of night because of the trouble caused by DRINK!!

the news about my mother in law remains the same, they are doing another mri after the weekend, she is depressed and seems to have given up the will to live, my husband sounds dreadful on the phone. i am holding onto the scripture in Genesis - shall not the Lord of all the earth do right.

speaking of religion, here's an amusing anecdote to finish on. one of our friends who is helping us out while my husband is away is trying to improve his english whilst using some tapes. he told my daughter the other day 'i want to change my regional' - menekse is a polite child and didn't want to offend by making it obvious she didnt have a clue what he meant, so she just said 'pardon', he repeated himself several times until in the end, in desperation, he said 'i want to change my regional, i am muslim, i change to jewish'

well, i have a joint of pork in the oven so i am going to see if my crackling is as good as mums, then its off to church and off to work again, i will ring my husband too later to make sure he is as well as he can be.

so, bad news then...21.10.05

well, we finally got a doctor to talk to a relative yesterday. apparently my mother in law will not get the use of her right arm back at all - barring a miracle, it will be months before she can walk, she can't speak but does seem to understand, there is nothing more they can do for her medically so after another mri on monday or tuesday it is likely she will be sent home next weekend. no physio or any other kind of therapy. its just the way things are done. i feel slightly reassured as the nurse has told my husband that she is laid on a special mattress to avoid bedsores etc. so thats one less thing to worry about. my husband is staying until she is discharged to see what has to be done. he is worried because of her morale, my mother in law doesn't want to be a burden to anyone, which is why she isn't here in the uk or in the states with her sons. she is a lovely lady and is happy in her home, watching tv, looking at her photos, getting phone calls and visitors from her family, she will not cope well with relying on others. her heart was broken 18 months ago when my brother in law (my husbands eldest brother) died, she has never really recovered from that, i am worried (and i think erdinc is too) that she has lost the will to live and will just give up. its heartbreaking, even though she is a parent and is 76, erdinc is thankful for his good parents and family life, he is thankful that neither of them have ever been really ill or anything, and losing a parent is the natural order of things, but still, losing anyone is sad.

in the meantime its been a funny sort of a day, we didn't get home till the early hours this morning, then andrew from church came to drop a bag off at 8 a.m. before he got his car serviced, then he came back a bit later for some breakfast with us - the dog had, in the meantime, eaten three of the raw sausages!! we had a bit of a chat and when he had gone i went back to bed for half an hour until menekse got up for riding - she came pounding in the room at 1 p.m. yelling 'hurry up hurry up', lol, she must have been so tired, but i was quite glad she got the extra sleep. so she went riding and meric and i went to cash and carry. then andrew came for a kebab before meric and i went to swimming, i had a good conversation with my friend elizabeth about the bible, the fact that Roman Catholics don't believe it and how interesting the old testament is.

now i have brought menekse home before the shop gets really sordid and because she was doing all the work while the girl who gets paid was busy texting. so, menekse is going to do her email and then get an early night, which means i have to leave!! hopefully next week she will have her own laptop hooked up to the net and we will be able to be online at the same time!!

goodnight all

no news is bad news? 20.10.05

i am not sure that this axiom is true in turkiye.

the doctors don't appear to be telling my husband and his brother very much at all. firstly they are not allowed in to see my mother in law, they can see her from the window but thats all, she is still in intensive care because of her weak heart, she has had a bleed about the side of a golf ball on the left side of her brain, she is semi-conscious and has an infection.

now, if you have ever complained about the nhs i want you to read this next bit very carefully. my mother in law is in a government hospital, a relative who is a doctor has advised that this is the best place for her. she has a catheter in but the family are having to buy pads for the other needs, today they have been asked to take clean sheets in because the bedding hasn't been changed since last friday. personally i am very thankful for the nhs, our daughter fell and split her chin in turkiye, it cost £300 for her to be stitched. there is no welfare state in turkiye and without family to help with the practicalities a hospital stay isn't much fun.

don't know when my husband is coming home, i miss him so much, he is doing ok, and we are managing the shop ok between us. menekse is really good at pizzas and serving, so i am doing the phone, the till and the money, meric is doing the washing up, sweeping the floor etc. of course we are all tired out and not getting up that early, so for this week, and probably next, school is taking second place, menekse goes up to the stables in the afternoons for a break and meric and i are spending the time reading and doing art. when erdinc comes back we will have time off from the shop and catch up with school - at least its half term so everyone else is off school too. we did go and see wallace and grommit on monday, can't remember if i have blogged that or not, it was pretty good anyway.

i feel exhausted, partly because of the late nights, but also the emotion i guess, not being there and not knowing really whats going on is making me feel dreadful, i have a migraine coming now no doubt that is stress. anyway, i am off to church now so that will make me feel better. i am also finding it hard being out in society late at night, i can't believe that people behave like they do - have they no shame, especially women, its so very sordid and unpleasant. makes me feel sort of contaminated if that doesn't sound too dramatic!!

anyway, i may be back later, i may not, i am trying to go to bed as soon as we get in from the shop but its impossible to sleep.!! i did manage to get up for the early morning prayer meeting yesterday and went for a bacon sandwich with nora, then i went back to bed!! how decadent is that!!

exhausted and emotional 15.10.05

so, my husband got to turkiye ok, i didn't get hold of him until about 11.30 p.m. english time. he had been at the hospital, his mum is in ICU, in a government hospital, a relative of ours is a doctor and she says my mother in law is in the best place. they wouldn't let my husband in to see his mum. apparently a neighbour had seen her collapsed on the floor and the police had broken in to get her. my husband sounds ok and quite matter of fact. after i had talked to him i felt reassured, i miss him so much, but unlike me he likes to deal with this kind of thing on his own.

then i had to work in our shop. i went up at about 10.30 p.m. so that our daughter could come home, we don't want her up there late at night. i felt sick and anxious, its a long time since i worked properly. why is the town centre in the middle of the night such a thoroughly horribly sordid place? do people think its clever/intelligent/attractive to get so drunk they can hardly stand, to be abusive in the way they speak to people who are just offering a service and to dress, well, not dress, in such an appalling manner? and who decided that half naked is attractive? i see pretty girls who are not fat (and i know fat, i am fat), but who dress in such a way they look practically obese and let everything hang out for all the world to see - notice boys/men don't dress like this, only girls/women, have we no shame? i found the whole experienc deeply unsettling and disturbing, and since i live in a small town i can only wonder what it is like in a city. also, what on earth is all that alcohol doing to their brains? one girl came in and her mouth was BRIGHT red, don't know what she had been drinking but i know what colours like that do to our son and its not pretty. can't imagine what sort of health problems these people are building up for their future - and its not just kids, its more mature people too, some that are over 30 and who should know better.

rant over, better go to work for some more of it.

every cloud has a silver lining.....14.10.05

in the absence of my lovely husband i have decided that we will have roast pork for dinner on sunday, i just hope i can get the crackling as good as my mum (that sounds like terribly bad grammar!)

now i get to go and sit in a the lovely swimming pool and watch meric train, well, not actually in the pool you understand, at the side, then i get to go to work in our kebab shop on a friday night, deep joy, remembering that i am not allowed to ban anyone for bad language or behaviour.

head above the parapet 14.10.05

just when i thought it was safe to relax.

the phone rang at about 3.30 a.m. today, we all know that means, usually, bad news. of course it was. my sister in law was on the phone from leicester, a neighbour of my mother in law had called from turkiye to let us know my mother in law is in hospital with a suspected stroke. ordinarily i would take this at face value, but with turks its different, there is usually a hidden message - in common with their middle eastern cousins turks don't like to say anything straight out, especially if its bad news or likely to offend. so my gut feeling is that my mother in law is dying, or even already dead. i got dressed, my husband hadn't gone to bed yet, we woke menekse to tell her what was happening and we drove to leicester. my husband and my sister in law left on the 8.50 a.m. bus for heathrow from leicester. they haven't managed to get a flight yet. who knows what they will find when they get there. my brother in law from the states is on his way too. i feel strangely detached, i don't know why, my mother in law is lovely, we get on really well together even though we don't speak the same language, she has stuck up for me numerous times because our marriage is different (obviously) from a turk-turk marriage. our daughter was devastated and wanted to go, but all our passports are out of date, plus we can't afford for everyone to go - my husband is using the mortgage money as it is, plus, of course, we need to run the shop until he gets back.

i feel so bad for erdinc, his dad died about 7 years ago, his brother (in leicester, husband of the sister in law) died 18 months ago also from a huge stroke. but actually he is quite matter of fact, his mum is elderly - especially for turkiye where life expectancy is so much shorter, she has had a good life, he feels blessed to have had good parents and he knows this is the way things are. of course everyone, except my husband, is fasting for ramadan too, actually that is why my mother in law, who lives alone, was found, the neighbour and her usually share an early breakfast before daybreak.

anyway, i am so tired, i have been awake since 2.45 a.m. ish - i wasn't sleeping very well even before the phone call came. so i am off to get some rest before i have to go and work and i am under strict instructions not to ban any customers for bad language.

Food 13.10.05

i like food, i like cooking, i like eating, i like a nice meal with family and friends, i like cooking from scratch and sitting round the table together talking about the day. i also like chocolate, but not particularly desserts, well, apart from a really good cheesecake - the american baked kind.

i also have a 'weight problem' quelle surprise!! and have done since i was about 11. today however i feel thin, like, about a size 12, now those of you who know me in the real world know that i am far far from being a size 12, so how is it that i feel thin today? really, i never feel as big as i am - its always a surprise when i see myself in the mirror. it doesn't bother me being overweight, i am not a big shopper - not that bothered about clothes, the most important thing is - is the item clean and ironed, i would rather spend my time and money on books.

anyway, a couple of months ago i had a kind of lightbulb moment when i realised that the way i eat is.....well, its really wrong. my mum will tell you how she made me eat everything on my plate, even when i didn't want it, she didn't do the same thing with my sisters as i had a best friend who hardly ate anything and never came to any harm, mum learned from my being overweight and sharons survival that food is, in fact, vastly over rated as being essential to survival - by which i mean we only need a small amount as opposed to the vast amounts we in the west eat. anyway, both my sisters are what i would call thin eaters, that is they are both able to leave food on their plates if they are full - not something i or my mum could do to save our lives. and of course both sister are also thin, mum has had to watch her weight for as long as i can remember, she has always been very self controlled with food - until she had my sisters.

anyway, the other day i heard an item on radio 4 about some new research into how people who smoke dope get the 'munchies', now apparently people who suffer with stress release the same hormone (or whatever it is) that is released when dope is smoked and which brings on the munchies, so, as you know, i do suffer with stress (you should have seen me the other night when i couldn't find the right address to deliver pizza to). so what i am wondering is if this is what is the matter with me. i told my doctor the last time i saw him that some times when i start eating i just can't stop, seriously, i just don't feel full, its horrible. so i think i am going back to ask him about this research and see if there is something i can do.

in the meantime i am trying to be very careful about what i eat, and today, in spite of my lovely son's spectacular time wasting efforts i have done very well, hence i suppose why i am feeling thin!!

tomorrow morning i am going to visit a turkish lady for coffee, she will be fasting for ramadan so i am hoping to get away with not having to eat loads as is usual when we visit turks. food is a central part of their culture, and turkish food is also absolutely delicious which doesn't help me!! its all too easy to eat a huge amount without realising it because its all so small and moreish!!

anyway, we are all off to bed early, i have actually got the kids in bed before 11 p.m. its a miracle, so now i am going too, an early start is what is needed tomorrow.

another little rant 13.10.05

so, this hasn't been one of our better homeschooling days. meric is in MAJOR timewasting mode, plus his testorone is raging out of control through his veins and this is marked by major aggression , it makes me feel tired and exhausted just listening to him , seriously, how he can keep up that level of aggression is beyond me. hopefully its just a phase, he is 13 after all. the most irritating of ages in a boys life apparently and hopefully.

we have managed to do some work and i did some history with menekse, we have a new system and it seems to be working quite well. she keeps complaining about so-and-so and such-a-body who are doing this that and the other in the way of school work and exams, i keep trying to point out to her that if she insists on spending hours looking after a horse every day then she is only going to have time to do the minimum amount of school work, at the end of the day she has to decide her priorities - getting an education or doing mucking out all the time. i think she is begining to realise and is re-organising her time.

anyway as we struggle our way through the minefield that is the teenage years i got to thinking . i mean i like our kids, really really like them - i don't just love them more than anything in the world, i like them too, i like talking to them, i like being with them, i like playing games, spending time with them, all that stuff. but, when i listen to alot of people it seems that they don't really LIKE their own kids . then i got to thinking about what the bible says about children, it talks ALOT about children being a blessing, and that a man who has children is greatly blessed, the bible is clear that children are a blessing from the Lord and that it is a privilege to be a parent. so answer me this, how many of Gods blessings do we complain about? how many times do we say to God - well, thanks for that blessing but i don't want anymore, i am going to take measures to stop you blessing me again!! we don't do we? people moan and complain about their kids, about how expensive they are, about how much time they take up, about how little free time the parent has, people use all kinds of ways to stop having kids - sometimes until its too late and they have to have help, but actually, its God who gives life, its God who creates, its God who chooses to give babies or not, and when He does the bible teaches us that it is a great blessing. now in past days the role of wife and mother was one that was honoured, but now of course the opposite is true - tell someone you are a stay-at-home mum and they just look at you with pity and disbelief and then assume i have no brain , its true, consider your own reaction the next time you ask someone what she does for a living and she says 'housewife/homemaker' or whatever. the thing is, women like me are the women with vision - i am raising the next generation of parents, politicians, teachers, doctors, maths professors, or whatever our children decide to do - its not just about this moment its about the future, not just of our kids or of our family but of our nation. i know that sounds a bit far fetched, but seriously, where are the future workers going to come from, where are the future mothers going to come from? in Gods will i am raising a godly wife and mother in our daughter and a godly husband and father in our son - and he wants to be a maths professor. those are our long term goals, our vision, so why oh why is being a stay at home mum so despised in our society? especially when recent research shows that children thrive much more when taken care of by mum, and actually, it seems to me, now that we have reached the teenage years, that the children need me to be around much more than they did when they were little - what with peer pressure, the media etc etc all trying to get them to conform to the worlds idea of teenagers. neither of ours fit the worlds idea of teenagers - not being either rebellious or monosyllabic.

just a side note, in an effort to avoid actually doing any schoolwork meric has taken to ironing his own clothes, this is a major breakthrough really. and it amuses me greatlyD - generaly he goes into 'helpless male' mode and cons me into ironing his shirts, but this week he has twice voluntarily ironed his own stuff because he thinks it gets him out of schoolwork, poor boy.

anyway, i am off to collect someone for church now, its our bible study. see you later.

Home Alone on a Wednesday 12.10.05

so, here i am home alone, my middle sister is also home alone, sadly we are on opposite sides of yorkshire, otherwise we could be home alone together and have a cup of tea and cake and a good natter.

my husband has gone to watch the turkiye v albania match, he has been asleep for the best part of 24 hours so is feeling marginally better than he was. turns out turkiye have to win tonight just to get to the play offs for next years world cup, whereas england are, apparently, already through thanks to someone losing on saturday - isn't that just typical? meric has gone to the shop to help set it up and answer the phone etc. menekse is at horseriding for a little while longer, then meric is going swimming and i am staying at home to watch The Match, menekse will be at the shop so i will be home alone until 8.30ish

i am making good use of the time by catching up on my blog (obviously, had to put that in or you would know i was lying, lol), doing some stuff for the silk route club, playing a computer game i have that drives me crazy and perhaps doing some sewing whilst listening to the audio bible or a sermon. i just feel like chilling out. i went to buy a bed today at argos, on 9 months interest free, it took the woman so long to sort it out i ran out of time so didn't get it in the end, technology is so wonderful, especially when it is designed to make life easier. i felt so stressed by the experience i took meric and i out for lunch.

i forgot to mention the other day that i have finally and really given up being the swimming club secretary, i handed everything over last friday, i do miss the photocopier, but apart from that i feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted from my shoulders. what a relief, i didn't realise how much of my life it took up and what a burden it was. i am not that confident that the new secretary will be able to do the whole job, she works full time, but we shall see, i am not getting sucked back in anyway, not even for the sake of the photocopier. i will still do the officiating for them, i am currently almost qualified as a starter, just got the practical to do, i am thinking that if i can get some experience timekeeping etc at the yorkshires or whatever i might go for the referees course, but it means a weekend away at loughborough, and realistically am i going to carry on being involved with swimming once meric finishes? probably not until i have grandchildren or if lovely niece carries on and does competitve stuff, but even that is a long way off. the problem is i do feel guilty for not being the secretary anymore, i know how hard it is to get anyone to do anything, volunteers are becoming thinner and thinner on the ground, there was no scouts last week because there was no warranted leader to supervise. it seems that parents just want to dump their kids and get on with their own lives.

which brings me to a bit of a rant. what is it with parents and their kids these days? when we first started homeschooling, 6 years ago, the most common comment (apart from the ubiquitious 'what about socialisation') was 'don't know how you can even think about it, i couldn't stand to be with my kids all day' - WHAT? why bother having them then? and then it seems like once the child is here parents are champing at the bit to get it into school or something to get rid of it so they can go back to work or carry on with their social life. in almost every other country in the world children stay with their parents until they are around 7, school doesnt start until then, so why do we pack ours off at about 3, i'll tell you why, the government want to get their minds, they want a generation of malleable kids who will toe the party line. then of course once they are at school we just get the kids involved in as many activities as possible so that all they have to do is come home and go to bed, seems like alot of parents don't even feed their kids properly (and i know, we have a kebab shop!! not that there is anything wrong with a kebab, its actually pretty healthy, but every night?). and, parents will fork out huge amounts of money to amuse their kids just as long as the parent doesnt have to put any effort in, its unbelieveable to me and i wonder about the future of our nation. the church i go to is pretty small, but we do have a childrens meeting, its once a week on a monday for one hour, its free, we also do sunday school for 45 minutes on sunday mornings, again its free. we can't get kids into either of the meetings for love nor money, parents are quite happy to spend spend spend keeping their kids amused in this life, amused and away from them, but they don't want their kids to know what to do about eternity. we have about 6 girls that come on monday evenings and what they know about the Lord Jesus Christ could be written on the back of a stamp - they don't even know the Christmas story properly and they are supposed to learn that at school, but of course school is too busy appeasing the minority (and i can say this because i am married to a minority) and teaching them about islam etc. i wonder if parents who don't want their kids to come to bible club/sunday school realise that those same kids are learning all about islam and what a wonderful religion it is at school? after all, in case some people have forgotten, this is still supposed to be a Christian Nation.

grrr. well, i am feeling a little light headed after that rant, i think i will go and do one of my other jobs. see you later.

football 12.10.05

its been so long since i wrote that i forgot to write about the football. our daughter said to me 'since when do you watch football' - i was shocked. i have always watched football. my team is leeds united, (yes, yes i know), i am married to a galatasaray supporter (yes, yes, i know), my brother in law is a manchester united season ticket holder (yes, yes, i know ).

i was at west bromwich when leeds were relegated last time, so its not a problem for me that they are no longer top flight, i used to stand on the kop at elland road in my own space!! no problem then getting tickets or anything. i have taken our kids to ali sami yen to galatasaray (cim bom) and they won 7-0 which was excellent. i have even been to old trafford, a long time ago.

anyway, i watched the appalling display last saturday. what is going on. granted beckham did not deserve to be booked much less sent off, i felt sorry for him, he is a good role model and it seems the media etc are just out to get him, at least he is married to his wife and lives with his kids, surely this is something we should be praising instead of trying to destroy. i am digressing (lol, no change there then). anyway, as always with england we have had to rely on someone else to lose for us and we are going to qualify by the skin of our teeth, the worst thing will be if turkiye qualify and we don't!! so, lets hope they win convincingly tomorrow even without beckham.