being a christian.........

is sometimes so hard.

i was saved in march 1992, it's been a long, hard and sometimes lonely walk, my husband is a muslim, i left the first church i was in due to charismania and wandered in the wilderness until the Lord brought the church i am currently in - it is a Bible Believing Church, which preaches the Gospel and is separate from the apostasy and compromising churches which are all around us. even this is hard, i love the people there - we are few in number and one of my oldest friends went home to her reward in april after suffering with ovarian cancer, everyone is pretty weird and the fellowship is sometimes lacking but i feel at home there. when my lovely husband said we were moving finding a new church was one of my biggest anxieties, i think i blogged about it earlier, the Lord saw fit to move us 30 miles away for now and so we go back to our home church on sundays, sometimes we take a picnic - petrol is too expensive to go there and back twice in a day, i do the childrens meeting on thursdays so usually miss the bible study.

anyway, i am getting off the point.

its not all about the mountain top experience, much time as a christian is spent in the valley - i don't think we are meant to be on the mountain all the time, it is self indulgent to focus on that - we are built for the valleys, it is these experiences which enable us to deal with the ordinary stuff of every day life - that way we can be in touch with reality and therefore with our fellow man and so be a good witness - the mountain top experience i suppose makes us a more effective witness filling us with joy unspeakable.

i have been struggling alot with my christian walk, i started to keep a journal, i quite enjoy doing it and i thought it might help, i think it does, but my memory is so bad i forget what i have written :-0. i feel as i have been walking 'afar off' - much like Peter - for ages, a couple of years probably, and i don't know why. i know all the stuff in my head - i am sinner saved by grace, i want to be on fire for the Lord, i want to be unafraid and unashamed of the Gospel of Christ, i want to walk the talk - but i don't seem to be like that anymore, i used to be, then i start thinking about it all and start to feel that maybe i am not saved, i end up wracked with doubts - i worry that i will be one of the ones the Lord sends away at the end. when i think that it makes me so sad, i feel like i am dying inside, i want so much to be close to Him, i know that when i read my bible and pray much then i feel so much better - so why am i so easily distracted? God has done SO, SO, much for me, and for my family, especially these last few years, and earlier this year He worked such an incredible miracle of such perfect timing even my Lovely Husband said 'only God could have done this'.

so, why is it that as christians we can put so much effort into doing nothing, wasting time, watching tv, blogging (oops!), work, housework etc etc, but find an hour reading a bible and/or praying too hard? because i am sure i am not the only one. sometimes i think i am so afraid of being out of the Lords will that i don't pray because i am worried i am doing it 'wrong' - which is stupid and probably a lie of the devil, after all the only one who doesn't want me to pray etc. is the devil himself, why give him what he wants? then maybe i think perhaps i am afraid of where God will take me/us - but i know that it is better to be at the centre of Gods will than anywhere else. then i find myself thinking that i have been cold and backslidden for so long that maybe i am too far away from the Lord and there is no going back - but again i guess this is the enemy putting thoughts in my head, i have let my relationship with God wither and die so i have to put it right - and anything worth doing is hard.

i am very aware of my sins and my shortcomings before God and in a weird way i find that comforting - if i wasn't saved i wouldn't care about my sins would i? the rest of the world doesn't - they don't even know or accept they are sinners!! i don't understand why i do the same things over and over again - i come to God confessing the same stuff, asking Him to help me with the same things again and again, when will i ever learn? then i wonder if i am being honest with God - i know He looks at my heart, He sees me as i am and knows me better than i know myself, so am i being honest with myself? i think i am but how do i know? i wonder why i don't get the deep conviction and incredible zeal that i see others have? i want it - at least i think i do, but how do i know i am not fooling myself? if i REALLY wanted it, if God could see that i REALLY want to be zealous and on fire for Him then why doesn't he grant that? so then i am back to thinking i am not saved, round and round i go!!

BUT
i believe the Lord Jesus Christ left the glory of heaven, i believe He came and lived on this sin cursed earth with sinful man, i believe He lived a perfect sinless life and died on the cross, shedding His perfect blood for MY sins, i believe He rose again on the third day and ascended to heaven and i believe He is coming back again in glory to judge the world and i KNOW that the only way to heaven, to eternal life, is by trusting and believing in the shed blood of the Lord Jesus - His blood and His blood alone is sufficient to cleanse me of my sins so that i can know forgiveness from God - and the bible promises that God WILL blot out my sins and put them away as far as the east is from the west - hallelujah what a Saviour, so, by that account then i am truly saved, going home to heaven when i die.

so, why do i feel numb to the Holy Spirit in my life? why do i not feel the presence of the Lord? i can't keep on like this, i NEED and WANT the Lord God to draw me nearer to Him, nearer ever nearer - i want my joy back - the bible says that God will restore the joy of my salvation. you know the worst thing is that there is SO MUCH to pray for and SO MUCH to learn from the bible - and i have so many wonderful books to read, why do i waste so much time?

one of the things that i need to work on is discipline - i am pretty relaxed about stuff generally, and so we don't have much of a routine in our home, that needs to change because i need to have set meal times, part of the problem is finding my own quiet time with the Lord, my Lovely Husband gets up a long time after me and is not a christian, so i can't do my quiet time when he is there - he is working away at present for a bit so i don't have that excuse, i need to set aside a specific time every day to read and pray and go from there.

i know that my life attitude is not one of total dependence on God - i don't know why, fear, anxiety, pride - perhaps i think that the Lord God who is in charge of the universe and who sees the begining from the end doesn't really know what He is doing - which means i am stupid as well as proud and anxious!!

at the end of the day i want to be in the place where there is nothing between me and the Lord God, where i know His presence in my life and where i am totally surrendered to Him and to His will.

watch this space!!

photos of my lovely husband..

this is my husband in our kebab shop, he has sold it now and is currently unemployed, he is not as scary as he looks!!

also erdinc, looking very thoughtful and interesting in black and white, this is in our old house, we lived there for 22 years, moved in more or less straight after we got married. funnily enough i don't really miss the house - the newer one we are renting is much more comfortable. i have a dishwasher!!!! yaaaay!!

It's like a new blog.........

Well, it’s so long since I last blogged properly that I feel as if I am starting again. But, dear reader, before I go any further, don’t be lulled into a false sense of security by the capital letters – I am writing this in word on the lap top whilst watching Meric NOT do his school work. Why is he doing school work when it’s the holidays I hear you cry, well, Meric does very little of anything ever so I try to keep him at it all the time. The great crisis of the moment involves the fact that both our children are due to take SAT 1 in October, the American tests, the Lovely Menekse is very diligent, working hard at her studies, reading ‘good’ books etc. etc, she also now has a McJob and she is walking well with the Lord. Meric, on the other hand, does little more than swim, sleep, eat and watch TV. not necessarily in that order. Of course it is now accepted in academic circles that boys are much more suited to the ‘sudden death’ nature of exams – so who will get the highest score in October? If it’s Meric then Menekse has informed me she will be leaving home, sigh, I am sure she doesn’t mean it, but it does seem quite unfair – Meric sails through everything and is one of those people who always seems to come up smelling of roses; despite, at times, being a thoroughly unpleasant young man. Will it always be like that? Who knows, he is saved – and I believe he is since I had the great blessing and privilege of leading him to the Lord myself, but he is hopelessly backslidden and doesn’t appear to give the things of God a seconds thought. I wonder how long the Lord will allow him to continue in his current condition.

Anyway, I have been wondering what should be my first subject – don’t know why, I always seem to have a lot to say about nothing in particular – and I am sure most of it is pretty dull. I thought I would insert a few photos, these are old ones from a family bbq on the beach – obviously, but we have now moved away from the seaside and are living in a city which is on the river but not the seaside, which is sad, but hey-ho that’s the way it goes.

In this photo we have, (l to r) my youngest sister, my cousins husband, my cousin, my mum and Lovely Niece then me - doing a great job of not looking at the camera!

this was the same day, we are on the beach at a place called Fraisthorpe, it's one of our favourites since it tends to be populated by proper beach people - that is to say the ones who are there rain or shine (or snow, you know it is england after all). you can see the careful placing of the windbreaks - not just for privacy but for practicalites as well, we were bbqing so needed some shelter.

this is my Lovely Niece, she will be 4 in october, my mum is sat behind her. She really is the light of my life, well one of them anyway.

my two lovely girls, our beautiful daughter who is almost 18 and my Lovely Niece, perhaps they are doing a King Canute.
Our Lovely Daugher, Queen of all she surveys!!

On Wednesday night my youngest sister came over from York, we have Liverpool lady staying with us for a few days but my sister had arranged some time ago to come over to go the cinema to see Hancock – we had some free tickets on account of the huge amount of chocolate we eat and the diet coke we drinkMy two Lovely Sisters, Jocelyn, the youngest, on the left, Jacqueline, the middle sister, on the right, at a Robbie Williams concert i think.

So, I checked the internet and Hancock was showing at 7.25 p.m. Menekse was at work so it was the four of us – Erdinc, me, Meric and my little sister. It was hot, hot, hot. When we arrived there was a bit of a queue outside the door, I dropped Erdinc off and went to park, when I got back to them there was an awful lot of hyperventilating and stamping going on, Erdinc was marching around the building muttering under his breath – bless him he gets very stressed about non-important stuff very easily. Anyway, it transpired that Hancock wasn’t showing – because DARK KNIGHT was on in 4 cinemas!! Unbelievable. I mean who changes a cinema listing at the last moment without telling anyone? So, we had to have a conflab, obviously Jocelyn and I didn’t want to go to Dark Knight, plus if we had Menekse might have had to kill us – she was not happy about missing Hancock but would have been incandescent at missing Dark Knight. So, we decided that the guys would go to D.K and we would go to Mamma Mia – I have already seen that once but was up for it again, especially since my mum is in it (lol, only joking, but if you have seen it take note of the Julie Walters character – exactly like my mum, even down to the outfits). So, the guys went into their film, and we booked our seats for the 8.20 showing, the poor girl had no idea what to do with my vouchers so had to get Bald Headed Manager guy, she then booked us in for Dark Knight instead of Mama Mia, eventually she managed to get it right and we got our tickets. We had about 50 minutes to wait, so we went to get a drink. Sat in the bar area for about 40 minutes watching the queue outside getting longer and longer, listening to the announcer saying ‘the 8.20 showing of mamma mia is full now, next available showing 9.20’ – oh, how smug we felt. So we sat with our drinks enjoying the smoke free atmosphere until just gone 8, I wanted ice cream and the toilet so we went downstairs again. Got ice-cream, did the loo, went to screen 1 as per our tickets, screen 1 said that mamma mia started at 9.20 – I was confused, remember I had bought the tickets at approx. 7.15, so I wasn’t worried, looked around and saw Bald Headed Manager guy, ‘excuse me’ says I, ‘screen 1 says mamma mia is on at 9.20’ – ‘as do your tickets’ says BHMg!! My sister immediately said ‘so that’s three mistakes that girl made’ – I was very cross and said, rather loudly ‘you better be kidding me’ ‘oh please don’t shout’ says BHMg ‘it’s too hot, what time did you book?’ – So I told him what had happened and he escorted us to the house seats which were better seats than the ones we had booked anyway!! Nothing is ever straightforward is it? Anyway, the cinema was packed, totally full except for the few emergency house seats – minus the two we were sitting in. and of course it got hotter and hotter as the film went on - thankfully since it was mosly ladies it didn't smell too bad, the guys came out of their film just after us and well, let's just say i don't think many of them know what deodrant does, hummmy to say the least. Suffice to say I really really enjoyed mamma mia, more so perhaps than the first time, the cast look as if they are having such a good time, it’s a real feel good film – leave the cinema feeling hap hap happy!!! Highly recommended, go if you can. The music is great, the cast look as if they are having a great time, it’s very funny and a great way to spend a couple of hours on a wet summer afternoon perhaps.

so, i have some other stuff i want to write about but that's of a more spiritual nature, thought i would do it in a separate entry........

a few photos

our kids, can you feel the love?

me and an american friend having afternoon tea at Bettys in York
we had a great day talking, talking, talking.

my mum and my mother-in-law, two great ladies, my mil is now sadly dead and my mum
is driving round the americas in a camper-van.

our son, in turkiye, at a very young age, he is still weird and still ginger and still swims.

on being married to a non-christian

i am in a support group for christian women married to or involved with muslim men, the subject of divorce and separation is one that often comes up, i read this on momof9splace a long time ago and it really blessed me......

Many times in my mail I receive a letter from someone who is a Christian, but their husband is not. I don't take this lightly, but often times I am at a loss for what to say and how to counsel. I have been so blessed with a husband that loves the Lord, and is easy to submit to.

Most of this mail is in a way saying, "BUT my husband is not saved, so I CAN NOT submit to this can I? Certainly God will understand won't He?" To this I have to say No, He wont understand. What He will do is judge your husband for his ways, and you for yours. As wives we are instructed to Obey our husbands, to be in submission to them. THAT is what we will answer for, God will not take the time to hear "But Lord, I didn't because......" God makes it very clear and plain in Scripture.

God expects a woman to obey her husband because the husband-wife relationship pictures the holy, sweet relationship of Christ and His bride, Christians. This is explained in Ephesians 5:22-23:

”Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.”

First I would like to say that I KNOW there are times when a husband can and does require of a wife to do that which IS abominable in the sight of God, but rare is the case. For the most part what you have to deal with is him not attending church, allowing the children to do things that you know they shouldn't be doing (movies, activities with friends,,,) he is a drinker, does drugs, has a foul mouth, maybe he won't allow you to go to church? Again God will hold him accountable. The Bible says:

Num. 30: 12-16 "But if her husband hath utterly made them void on the day he heard them; then whatsoever proceeded out of her lips concerning her vows, or concerning the bond of her soul, shall not stand: her husband hath made them void; and the LORD shall forgive her. Every vow, and every binding oath to afflict the soul, her husband may establish it, or her husband may make it void. But if her husband altogether hold his peace at her from day to day; then he establisheth all her vows, or all her bonds, which are upon her: he confirmeth them, because he held his peace at her in the day that he heard them. But if he shall any ways make them void after that he hath heard them; then he shall bear her iniquity."

This passage teaches two major truths: one, that a husband is given the right by God to prevent his wife from taking a spiritual step she feels led to take; and two, that if he does, GOD HOLDS HIM ACCOUNTABLE—“HE SHALL BEAR HER INIQUITY.”

So there we have it, God is on your side. He wants obedience, He wants submission to His Word, you do that if you are a wife by being submissive to your husband. Not IF he is a Christian, but BECAUSE he is your husband.

So, how do we do this? What example is there that we can learn from? What have others done in this situation? Of course it is necessary to commit each day to the Lord in prayer, in time spent in the Word, for there we find the answers to all our needs. Let's look at a good example of someone who lived with a man who was far from being godly. Let's look at the life of a woman that loved the Lord as you do, who spent her days trying to please her Lord w/o compromising her place as a wife. Let's look to Abigail and her journey through marriage.

Though Abigail was to become David's wife after the death of her husband, Nabal, a drunkard, it is as the wife of the latter that her fine character comes into the sharpest focus. But in this first picture of Abigail we come to know why David later was to have such faith in her wise counsel. From his first meeting with her David's life seems have taken on a higher meaning and a stronger purpose. He is no longer a fugitive and outlaw but destined to become the great king of Judah and of all Israel.

Now mind you as you read this account, that Abigail was married to a drunkard, I'm sure if he was that he also had a lot of other baggage that goes with it. He was an ungodly man AND her husband. Did she spend her days complaining? Did she spend her time thinking about how awful her life was? Did she NOT do the things a wife should be doing in her home because he was tipping the bottle? Because he was not praying or worshiping as she KNEW he should and she was? Let us find out...

When David and Abigail chanced to meet, he was a shepherd hiding from Saul in the wilderness of Paran. He had gathered around him about six hundred followers, who formed a bodyguard and they protected the flocks of many a herdsman from prowling thieves.

In the sheep and goat country west of the Dead Sea, and not far from where David was, lay the town of Maon. Near by was the town of Carmel standing in mountainous country. One of the richest men in this area was Abigail's husband, Nabal, who had some three thousand sheep and one thousand goats. Their home probably was a pretentious place on a plateau that one came upon suddenly after leaving desolate areas.

It was sheep-shearing season at the home of Abigail and Nabal. Many guests had gathered, and there was much feasting. Abigail had provided abundantly for her guests, for she was a woman who had a reputation for gracious hospitality. We can imagine that her hospitable house, run efficiently and well, was a place where the stranger liked to tarry.

We notice here that Abigail did not allow her husbands 'foolishness' to get in the way of being a good homemaker, a help meet to her husband IN SPITE of his ways. She was full aware of the fact that with all the planning she was doing, with all the invitations sent out, with each preparation she completed that there would be drunkenness at this gathering. But I can also imagine that it was not her idea to invite this all in, but rather it was Nabal that requested it. In his standing it was expected of him to entertain, and of course it was expected of her to do her part. She could have stomped her feet and said NO! She could have tried to justify it by the way he lived, but she KNEW that her place was to obey, to submit, in order to please her husband and in doing that please GOD.

On such feasting occasions let us picture Abigail in a dress of fine linen. (She was careful to still look her best, so many times we let ourselves go because we think he is not worth pleasing, or because he lives the way he does, why bother. amen?) We have the Biblical record that Abigail was of a beautiful countenance as well as a woman of good understanding But in the next phrase her husband, Nabal, is described as churlish and evil in his doings" (I Sam. 25:3)His most recent act was directed at David, who had sent ten of his men up to the hills to ask for a little food during feasting time. David's own provisions were running low. His request was polite and just, for, ten men could not carry away much food.

David and his men had helped Nabal's shepherds to protect their master's large herds of sheep and goats. It was quite natural that David's shepherds, who had befriended Nabal's man, would be welcome at feasting time. But Nabal, drinking too heavily, cried out contemptuously when he heard of David's request, "Who is David" and who is the son of Jesse! there be many servants now a days that break away every man from his master" (I Sam. 25:10).

When word reached Abigail, through one of the workers on the place, that her husband had railed at David's messengers, she listened attentively. This worker, who evidently had confidence in his mistress reminded her that David and his herdsmen had been like a wall of protection to Nabal's herdsmen. And he added that they had come to the house in peace, asking for that to which they were justly entitled. We can be assured that Abigail possessed an innate dignity and had won the respect and faithfulness of the workers in her household.

Wise woman, too, that she was, she lost no time, for she knew what happened when strong-minded men like David were angered. He was not one to let such an offense go unpunished. She also knew how rashly her husband acted when he was drunk. She wasted no time in lamenting the threatened danger or in making remarks of her husband's character. Certainly she did not pause to discuss David's anger with her drunken husband.

She didn't nag, she didn't point out his faults, she simply did all that she could to make things right w/o causing more friction in her household.

Instead she hastily made ready to prepare special foods for David's six hundred men. She asked no advice of anyone but went to work as quickly and as quietly as if she had had months to think over her actions and make preparations for the food. She supervised the baking and packing of two hundred leaves of bread.

1Sa 25:18 Then Abigail made haste, and took two hundred loaves, and two bottles of wine, and five sheep ready dressed, and five measures of parched corn, and an hundred clusters of raisins, and two hundred cakes of figs, and laid them on asses.

Only a capable and 'together' woman could have made ready so much food in such haste. Only a woman of good understanding could have left so quietly, without informing her husband of her actions. If she had, she knew he would demand that she not give away his food to strangers. She knew, too, that the safety of their entire household was at stake.

As Abigail came down the mountain, David and his men rode toward her, and she heard David telling them of her husband's ingratitude and of how he had returned to him evil for good. She overheard David say that by morning all that Nabal possessed and all in his household would be destroyed.

I accept all blame in this matter:

1Sa 25:24 "And fell at his feet, and said, Upon me, my lord, upon me let this iniquity be: and let thine handmaid, I pray thee, speak in thine audience, and hear the words of thine handmaid."

The beautiful wife of a drunken nasty Nabal had nothing to apologize for. She was putting out her husband's fire. Abigail, unafraid, hastened toward David. In all humility she began to intercede for her husband and intercede for his bad actions. She admitted to David that Nabal was a base fellow and a fool. She then begged David to receive the food she had brought and to forgive her trespasses. She praised David, telling him that evil would not be found in him so long as he lived.

She also predicted that he would be prince over Israel and that his soul would be "bound in the bundle of life with the Lord thy God." She confirmed that God's word was sure and that God would exalt him. In not one word do we find her forgetting her own dignity. All of the greatness which she predicted would come to David she attributed to the only source of good, God Himself. And she helped David to know he was the object of God's love and care.

Can you imagine for just one minute how many times Abigail had to undo what her husband had done to wreak some kind of havoc in their lives? But notice that she did it w/o fan fare, she did it in the same way you can do it. When you have your chance you instruct your children in the ways of the Lord, you teach what is right and WHY it is right, you don't have to say Dad is wrong, you simply say This is what God says. Maybe you wont see fruit from these teachings until years later, but we have the promise of God that His word will not return void. We do not have the promise of God that if we berate our husbands to our children, pointing out his faults, that it will bear any fruit for the Lord in any way now do we? We can be Abigails, we CAN live with an unsaved man, or a backslidden Christian and still serve God.

What but the unquestioning faith in God could have dictated such a humble petition! In it Abigail typifies woman in her noblest, purest character. Her actions reveal that she was a diplomat of the highest order and that she understood men and had tolerance for their bad behavior. (not a liking for it mind you but rather a tolerance for what she could not change on her own and accepted as part of her life) Never, I'm sure liking it!

When she had finished her mission, she Quickly mounted and went her way back over the hills. We can imagine that David watched her until she was lost in the distance.He probably had been impressed with her good countenance, and he was not to forget this woman who had brought all of this excellent food to his hungry men. His admiration for her one day would take on a deeper, richer meaning.

When Abigail arrived home, she found her husband still feasting and drinking. But, wisely, she did not tell him of her journey until morning. When the sober Nabal learned from Abigail how near he had come to being slain by David and his men and what she had done to avoid such an attack, he became violently ill. Ten days later he died.

David, later to learn of Nabal's death, would affectionately remember the woman of good understanding who had come over the mountain, bringing food to appease his hunger. He was now free to wed Abigail, and so he sent his servants, telling her that he wanted her to be his wife.

She was now the petitioned and not the petitioner. She accepted David's invitation for marriage, but it was in humility. To his messengers she said,:

1Sa 25:41 And she arose, and bowed herself on her face to the earth, and said, Behold, let thine handmaid be a servant to wash the feet of the servants of my lord.

Though Abigail brought to David a rich estate and a new social position, she felt unworthy to become the wife of one whom God had singled out for His work.

From this we can see that Abigail never once thought she was better than her husband, she never thought that she was right and OH! he is SO wrong. She considered her marriage to Nabal her commitment to God. Whatever it brought. And until the Lord called him out, she served him willingly, and the best she was able. We have to allow God to work in our husbands lives. We have to be obedient to God in OUR walk.

Tit 2:5 "To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed." & Col 3:18 "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord."

And do you see how God worked things out for her in later days? She became the wife of David, she could not have been used by God to be such a blessing to him if it were not for the obedience she commited to in eariler days.

Now, Abigail was just the wife that David needed, for he was willful and tempestuous, while she was humble and gentle. Probably she helped him to learn patience and forbearance and to put aside temptation. She also helped to inspire confidence in him.

She dwelt with David at Gath and also went with him to Hebron, and there she gave birth to their son, Chileab, also called Daniel. Though little is recorded about Abigail after her marriage to David, we can be sure she was continually exposed to danger from the enmity of Saul and his followers and to captivity from neighboring nations.

We can read of her being held hostage, of her rescue at David's hand. Of a life that was used of God BECAUSE she chose not to question why, but rather serve and trust that God would provide peace, comfort, and finally reward for doing that which she was called to do.

I hope and pray that the example we learn of in Abigail's life will give you some encouragement in your marriage. I hope as Abigail looked UP for strength, you can and will too.

1Co 7:13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.

finally.....

i have finally finished moving all my old posts from blog.co.uk, if you happen to be reading this blog then you will note that some of the post titles have dates at the side of them - they are the ones i have transferred across. as i did the transferring, which was very tedious, i realised how much i actually enjoy blogging, thinking aloud, its a good way to think about stuff which may or may not be important. i have alot of catching up to do since its ages since i last blogged, my mil died, armylad left us and went back to drinking and sleeping around, we moved house, sold our business, turns out our son is a good swimmer stuff like that. we still have no minister at our church which is getting a bit difficult, we need Gods man for the job - but who is that man? my mum has been through the states, into canada, into alaska and is now back in canada on her way back to the states before coming home for christmas in october. my youngest sister is emigrating to austrailia and my middle sister, mother to Lovely Niece, is getting a divorce, so, its all go.

just now though i have had enough of blogging and am supposed to be tidying my kitchen, plus i have something in my eye and its all red and sore, so i shall bid you farewell for now dear reader.

i am....24.2.07

home alone

and

have wasted the whole day.

the teenagers have gone to a weekend houseparty for home-educated teens, it's meric's first time, so i am keeping my fingers crossed (praying) that i am able to collect two kids tomorrow and not have to visit menekse in prison for killing her brother on account of the fact that he embarrassed her. some hope. there will be a two hour drive home tomorrow evening when, no doubt, i will get a blow by blow account of exactly what each one did to the other.

so, i am in charge of dog walking.

today i was going to bake and read. then my lovely husband asked me to go to the bank and do cash and carry (where, btw i got called 'this lovely lady'). so that messed my day up. instead of doing any of the stuff i planned i have sat and read useless stuff online and watched useless stuff on the tv. i have managed to walk the dogs and am just about to take them out again before bed. the good news is that charlie managed to sleep downstairs on his own last night without barking the whole time, he must have seen me order the barkbuster collar which shoots out 10,000 volts ultrasonic noise only he can hear when he barks. i don't mind the barking so much (except it wakes erdinc up), but i do worry about the bounding up to the very old living room window and scrabbling at it. what if he goes through it? hope the collar will stop that too.

there is a very worrying occurence on the horizon.

i mentioned my husband is talking about us moving. really moving. away. the estate agent is coming on wednesday.

we have lived in this house for over 20 years, the thought of moving makes me feel physically ill.

the thing is i need to be where there is a church, and i am a christian, so, really, i just need to trust God with the whole thing. easy wouldn't you say?

yeah, right.

nuff said.

my before picture...14.2.07

well, my clothes are starting to look a bit silly now, i have got rid of some of them in fact. so i thought i should post a 'before' picture, trouble is i didn't really have any, mum found this one on her camera from christmas so here it is.....taken about 3 weeks before i started cambridge, obviously i am 'holding court', it is christmas eve actually, at my sisters, the food was delicious as usual. it's not alcohol in my hand - i don't drink and i was driving anyway.

had a bad day yesterday, well, last night, my husband is talking about moving - the thought of which just about sends me spinning into outer space, the kids were playing up, we have Liverpool Lady here and she is quite difficult, lovely and well meaning, but dear me she asks incessant questions about........well, nothing at all really, so, i bought some chocolate and ate t it - i had only lost a pound last week so figured it didn't really matter anyway, the good news is it made me feel sick.

so, today i feel a bit cheesed off and am trying to be strict so i get back into ketosis, am thinking maybe the weight slowed because i slowed the water intake down - must keep drinking plenty.

been to cash and carry today and am doing Team Pizza tonight, i am really tired though - didn't sleep well on monday night, but erdinc says i have stopped snoring since i lost this weight, don't know what he is talking about, obviously i have NEVER snored in my life so, if that's the effect it has guess who is next on the cambridge? yes, dear reader, my lovely husband, except i would have to lie and tell him that there are no bakers left in the country and all the bread has been given to the third world

anyway, must go, shouldn't really be here, obviously i am supposed to be doing swimming club stuff

if you don't pay the phone bill....10.2.07

your phone gets cut off

i know, i know, it's not rocket science.

but you are not married to my lovely husband dear reader. who took one look at our bill - which wasn't that bad due to our fantastic deal with orange. put the bill in a 'safe place' - interpret that as somewhere he doesn't have to think about it, and then he went on holiday and forgot all about it when anyone rings up to speak to him about our bills they won't speak to me because i am not the bill-payer (neither is he if they but knew it, lol). so, this time it meant our phone actually got cut off. and also the internet.

any ideas what teenager with no phone and no internet look like or even not pretty anyway.

well, we finally managed to pay it today and amazingly got reconnected straight away. i bet you are thinking, what a loon, gets reconnected and blogs straight away. wrong. i am not even at home. menekse discovered we were reconnected and beboed straight away. i am at my Little Sisters house. meric is at a swimming thing just up the road, a stroke clinic actually, with the british coach and kate richardson who is a silver medallist. didn't want to go home and come back as there wasn't really that amount of time, so i came to hang out here, i am blogging while she is preparing dinner for this evening, they are having people round. we have just made some very delicious smelling rosemary salt for burgers all out of jamie's red nose day cook book - which looks very good and i think i will buy a copy. not that we have a sainsburys in our neck of the woods.

been a busy kind of a week. my mum left last monday, i took her to manchester airport, we had a night in a hotel which was nice. as airport hotels go. it took them ages to check in due to the ridiculous security, mum had to re-jig all her hand luggage and her travel mates had to take stuff out of a suitcase and put it in hand, and all this before BA decided to charge everyone £240 for a suitcase.

which brings me to a question, well, a general wonderment really. how on earth do americans manage to get away with so much luggage? my sister in law brings about FIVE HUGE cases when she comes fromthe states, mostly filled with coats. how does that work?

we have had a quietish week, doing school work, painting, avoiding the snow - we have had hardly any. and yesterday we went to leicester for the mevlut for my brother in law who died three years ago. its kind of prayers for the dead. obviously i don't take part since a) i am a christian and we don't do that b) i wouldn't know what to do or say. but i go out of respect for my lovely sister in law and the rest of the family. i feel a bit awkward but no-one seems to notice. of course the food is lovely as usual, i brought several doggie bags for my husband. but i resisted the temptation. the drive home was pretty hairy, i think we were just in front of the really bad snow, when we got to the M62 there was nothing. just alot of rain. still no snow today for us, thankfully as we are out at a gala tonight. had to get the food and everything ready for meric before i went to bed, he has about 3 hours in the pool and a couple of hours in the gym today, then time for a bit of lunch and a kip in the car before we get to the gala in filey.

well, my sister has finished her preparation, it's almost time to go and get meric so i shall say farewell for now dear reader. see you later possibly.

friday evening 2.2.07

been a funny kind of a week. i feel all out of sorts don't know why.

fed up with swimming club, why oh why did i get myself sucked back in the old guard just don't want things to change and won't give up their control, it's ridiculous, they are so old they can't possibly carry on much longer, who on earth do they think is going to take over?

my mum goes on monday morning, early, so we are going over sunday afternoon after lunch and staying in a hotel overnight, just so that she has someone to wave her off at the airport it means there is stuff all over the place while she gets packed up and i feel kind of weird. i don't like it when she first goes, after a few weeks i can pretend she is just away for a couple of weeks in europe. she is coming home again in august for a family wedding. i might be so thin she won't recognise me by then.

eating is going ok - that is to say i am not eating. still haven't 'cheated' - i have decided that i am having high leigh week 'off' in august, it's the week we always go away and the meals are part of the whole week, i will keep off cooked breakfasts and the cakes and puddings, by that time i might not have much left to lose anyway, hopefully. going to get weighed again later.

tomorrow meric is swimming in the yorkshire senior/junior championships in leeds. its an all day thing if he gets into the finals. the warm-up is 8 a.m. so we have to leave about 5.30 ish in order to get a parking space, i got a parking ticket last year . i am collecting Lovely Niece on the way home as her mum is away and her dad has a physio appointment. she is staying over until monday which will be nice. slighly concerned about the eating tomorrow, i have got a ready made shake and a bar to take, but when we went to cambridge and i got up early i was terribly sick. let's hope it goes a bit better tomorrow.

got to go up to swimming now to sort some gala entries out. don't know why i bother.

last will and testament...2.2.07

I, JULIE , being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

chocolate
Chicken fried steak
chocolate
cream gravy
chocolate
Mexican food
chocolate
French fries
chocolate
Pizza
chocolate
ice cream
chocolate
cup of coffee
chocolate
Sex
chocolate

it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

the state of the nation 30.1.07

is really very worrying. i mean leaving aside how expensive everything is, our council tax, for example, is going up by 62% according to the local paper, then consider how much fuel has gone up - which ever kind of fuel you care to mention. interest rates. etc etc. its no wonder most people feel they need two incomes to survive as a family. believe me on a single income it's not easy. and that's part of the problem. not for us, but for the nation.

the government want to get us all to toe their line, they want us all to be good citizens of Great Labour Britain. so, what's the best way to do that? get the kids. as young as possible. so, encourage parents to go out to work as soon and as much as possible, provide state childcare and extend school hours so that all the children of the nation are under government care and control for most of their young lives. it all smacks a little bit of communisim if you ask me. someone i know was recently inspected by ofsted in order to register as a childminder, she was told one thing by the Ofsted Inspector - that the government says everything must be aimed to the lowest common denominater. i think that's what communism is isn't it? But thats exactly what schools try to do too isn't it! Make all kids the same.............i know there is loads of research that shows that children thrive best in homes where there are two parents, i wonder what the research shows where children have a stay-at-home-parent instead of two-out-at-work-parents? because if a person has been at work all day how do they have the time or the inclination to give one hundred per cent devotion and attention to small people on their return? we have become a society of me, me, me and children are seen as a curse or an accessory and not as a blessing, whilst debt is seen as something to be used and have - the exact opposite to the bible interestingly.

anyway, my point, and i do have one. is that the last few weeks haven't been a good one if you are proud to be British, which generally i am.

first there was the whole celebrity big brother fiasco. glad to see that shilpa won. i don't watch it, partly because i think it's one of those things that sucks you into it's dark side and if you start watching it you probably can't stop. but also i don't like bad language and that kind of thing, i know i am deadly boring . but it was difficult to avoid this time. especially as the delightful jade goody was being shown on turkish tv jade goody. a product of the british state education system. and a product of her parents obviously. but alot of her ignorance and general stupidity could have been addressed with a decent education. look at her compared to the very gracious and respectful shilpa.

respect.

ha. something that is gone, gone, gone from this nation, what ever phony tony says or how many schemes he invents. there is no respect because there is no discipline and there is no discipline because everyone is encouraged to believe that they can do and say whatever they please with no comeback. woe betide anyone who objects to bad language on a train or in the street - or in their own kebab shop for that matter.

and this brings me nicely to the events on the beach in devon.

disgraceful.

why aren't the people who STOLE that stuff being arrested and charged? especially those low-life men who went especially all the way from essex i think it was, to break into a packing case which belonged to a family moving home. those men had no shame, none at all, until the next day when presumably they realised, a bit like jade, the extent of the backlash against their behaviour.

we are a nation of rude, loutish, do-as-i-please thugs and i don't know where it's going to end. will people rise up and take back our society? will people demand reinstatment of discipline, of effective measures from the police and schools? who has the courage to chase the PC brigade out of power and fight for a return to sanity? who actually LIKES things the way they are? those like bliar i suppose in his little downing street bubble, but what about us in the real world? how long will we sit here complaining and putting things to rights in blogs? when will we rise up and demand a change?

i have no idea. i don't know what to do. go into politics?

i shall keep praying.

any other answers on a postcard please.

i am off to get my mum from the train station. i am also Team Pizza tonight.

the hoover worked until half way up the stairs. it really is the worst hoover in the history of the world. and it's an electrolux.

i finally succumbed 30.1.07

and got help with the housework.

cleaning is NOT my favourite past-time, it's a big house, on three floors, two teenagers, two dogs, a husband who works bizarre hours plus i homeschool and help at swimming club. well, sorry superwoman, but this lady is normal.

we have had a rotten 18 months, i have been so ill with depression etc and the state of the house was just making it worse - i almost called those two women on channel 4, but it's not THAT bad i just didn't know where to start. our daughter is such a big help to me, don't know what i would do without her, but she helps her dad alot in the shop and so i try not to get her doing too much at home - but she is one of those people who just get on and do things no matter what, don't know where she gets it from but i wish she would bluetooth to me anyway, the girl that is helping at our shop has given up full time work as she is pregnant, she LOVES cleaning so, first i asked her to come and give me a hand with the living room and the kitchen, so she came yesterday and did half the living room. the other half has all mum's stuff in ready for her departure to ecuador next monday. don't ask. so, natasha did the living room and did an absolutely fantastic job of it too. then she came today and did the kitchen, ditto. so, i caved, i couldn't help myself reader, i have no will power where these things are concerned. a good cleaner is hard to come by. i asked her if she would help me out for four hours a week - just the lounge, kitchen, bathroom and hall. the kids can do their own bedrooms, we can to the schoolroom and the spare room together. anyway, she said YES. man i am so relieved. i feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. lol. it has in a way. 29 pounds of it. just kidding. you know what i mean dear reader. we have got rid of a whole load of stuff and now i have some papers etc to sort through in the school room but i can do that whilst we are working, i also intend to move the ironing board up there and iron while they work.

one little fly in the ointment. menekse had determined to do 4 igcse's this year. the closing date is now. the cost is a couple of hundred quid, which is never easy, but at this time of year is impossible. we just don't have it at present, so we have had to say no. if we could have paid after easter it would have been fine. but the money has to be in this week and we have too many bills to pay, including council tax, electric bill etc etc. i think we do live in the most expensive country in the world. it's very aggravating, i mean we are not that extravagant. we don't smoke, we don't drink, we don' have sky, we only have one car, the kids don't do loads of activities or wear designer gear (neither do we for that matter), i just don't know how people cope. we just seem to lurch from one financial crisis to another. never mind. at least i have a mansion in heaven.

going to see if the vacuum, which runs on tea cakes and stops at every currant, is actually working. if not i might be back.

oops 28.1.07

i drank two small orange squashes at the gala tonight

not supposed to drink anything except water and coke zero. i have discovered though that camomile and spearmint tea, which i like, doesn't send me out of ketosis. and today i bought some green tea as that is supposed to be a 'wonder tea'. let's see what the orange squash does to me.

the gala went well, apart from two of our swimmers getting disqualified for false starts - not good since i was the starter AND the announcer. shortage of volunteers as per and no-one likes being the announcer. doesn't bother me, not much difference between shouting 'take your marks' and announcing the events. we won easily. i am getting the hang of being competition secretary, got the beginings of a system in place so that should make life easier. missed a couple of entries off the yorkshires, but should be able to sort that out on monday. one of the dads, who has two really good swimmers, creeps me out a bit, something about him that doesn't feel right.

my husband brings roasted and salted pumpkin seeds home from turkiye, in the shells, they are his snack of choice, they make an awful mess - when i come down in the morning there is a little circle of pumpkin shell debris around the bin. now it's even worse because the new dog, charlie, likes to eat the remains out of the bin he also likes empty plastic bottles, since we drink ALOT of bottled water that means there are always ALOT of empty plastic bottles around, so my house just looks like a rubbish dump

the driver decided he would work when erdinc told him 'no car no work'. so that means i didn't have to work, but who knows how we are going to pay the electric bill or the phone bill.

monday we are going to start blitzing the house, someone is coming to help me with the downstairs while i concentrate on the school-room.

anyway, we are watching csi and then room 101, which i LOVE, and i am gutted it's ending, the worst thing is i keep forgetting to watch it.

so busy 25.1.07

reading other people's blogs i have neglected my own

so, what's new on the east coast. well, our tanker in distress missed the gas rig so we didn't have any flotsam and jetsam to steal collect.

took my mum to visit some family who live at the side of the A1 in eaton something or other, quite a long way for us, we got up at 6 ish. i wasn't very well on the way down, hadn't slept very well, then felt really sick and ill. had to stop and have a sleep, felt better after i had.....well, thrown up, not to put too fine a point on it. not sure what all is going on. still haven't eaten anything, today is my 20th day. feeling pretty good. going to get weighed tomorrow. my watch has gone down a notch which must be good and my favourite dress is almost too big for me, mum has already taken it in once so i suppose the time is not far away when i can't wear it anymore it's a shame, i got it in london, it was quite expensive but it's lovely, a pinafore that hangs really beautifully, sigh, i suppose the good thing is that if i lose what i want to lose i will be able to shop in a wider variety of shops.

had a nice day with the family, there is a new baby, she is beautiful, alot of black hair not unlike the lovely menekse. who btw considers herself a geek, my friend at swimming commented 'better to be a geek than a tart' which i suppose is true. anyway, we caught up on all the news, had a lovely lunch - well, they did, i had one of my soups. then we left to come home again at about 5.30 p.m. everyone slept all the way down and all the way home which was great. then the others all had kebabs for tea. i certainly wasn't going to cook. sunday was pretty good. i hadn't shopped so mum did it for me. i cooked dinner after church - including yorkshire puds, and didn't have anything, so i have overcome several big hurdles really.

the minister on sunday was excellent, he has been before a long time ago, we all really liked him and his preaching was spot on. so, church was pretty good. i will be glad when we get our own minister though, although at the present rate of progress i don't think that's going to be any time soon. problem is we don't have any assertive men who can easily and nicely take the lead, so it's pretty hard on the guy who is taking care of us - his church is in bristol, 300 miles down the road!! trouble is the way the last guy left us had left a nasty taste in alot of people's mouths and they are worried about getting it wrong 'again' - i said we didn't get it wrong last time, it was time for him to come to us and then it was time for him to go.

then to monday, took mum to scarborough so she could go and babysit Lovely Niece. we did school work and i tidyied up a bit. the childrens meeting went ok, we only have 4 kids which is a shame, they seem to enjoy it but i wish we could have more, just keep praying on i suppose. the trouble is there is so much else to attract children these days and past a certain age they are just not interested in the things of God - although interestingly younger children are VERY interested. erdinc was off work, so they all had dinner, we watched various CSI all night before bed.

finally on tuesday i managed to make an inroad into the new school-room, erdinc likes it in our new bedroom, it's so quiet i think he is amazed, he is sleeping alot better so getting up a bit earlier which is nice.

my new role as competition secretary has kicked in big time this week. had to rush around sorting entries for the hull and districts - which meric can't even do as they are on sundays. anyway, got them in and wasn't too late thankfully. then it was to the yorkshires which have to be in by sunday. done most of them. it's ok but i am not really sure of what i am doing, so i hope i have done it properly. we have also arranged to buy in some coaching, training sessions aren't going that well, especially for the older ones, they are getting bored and that includes meric, so we need to do something.

mum came back on wednesday night and is going back to york tomorrow as they are all going to london for the weekend, i couldn't afford it and also it looks as if i will have to do the deliveries as our delivery driver is having car problems. it's not great, but at least we will save enough money to pay our electric bill. anyway, mum leaves for ecuador a week on monday so it's all getting a bit hectic here now. hope the BA strike is over by then.

i have to go as we are off to beverley training. i will knit.