tired and rambling 14.1.07

well, here we are on sunday night, erdinc will be home on wednesday so that is FANTASTIC. i am exhausted and my house is an absolute disgrace, i just hope i don't get any visitors for the next week. it will take me that long to sort everything out and that's only assuming the decorators turn up as planned in the morning. that's still the ongoing insurance job in the two bedrooms. it is also day NINE of doing cambridge, and i STILL haven't eaten anything or cheated, i can't quite believe it its amazing. i feel pretty good too. leaving aside the fact that i am really, really tired because of the late nights etc. and the new dog. who barks incessantly - any ideas to make him stop would be gratefully received. he really is a loonatic!! every time i squeeze my way into our bedroom i could cry, all the stuff from the school room and menekse's room is in there, i was hoping to have got us moved into our new room before erdinc comes home, sadly it wasn't to be, unless the decorators really get a move on and i can move the bed on wednesday morning before going to leicester to collect him. i tried to ring turkiye today on the new, free orange service, we are paying another fiver on top of our broadband subscrption to get free calls anytime and to 100 countries - including turkiye and the US, i wasn't that impressed though, the line wasn't very good, i am going to try again in a tick as he was out. because he was out i rang my friend in ulster, same thing, not a good line. is it because it's through the internet? if it's still a bad line to turkiye i am going to give orange a ring, no point in having free calls if you can't hear the other person.

i am so glad i have done my last weekend in the shop for now, it makes me very depressed. well, not sure that depressed is the right word. i feel disgusted to be honest. the way people behave is appalling, no respect for themsleves, for those around them, for anyone. i know i have probably blogged about this before - my reader knows i repeat myself. but seriously. is it necessary for GIRLS to be so explicit about stuff that belongs behind closed doors - and preferably between man and wife? and the language. is no-one capable anymore of just talking normally without using foul and abusive language at every opportunity. i mean, if we take the swear words out of most of the conversations there would be no conversation left and certainly it doesn't make sense. english is a wonderful language and people are just murdering it. i sound like a grumpy old woman. perhaps i am. it's such an eye-opener being in town at night. the worst thing (i think), is that it's not just 'youngsters' - although they play their part. i think the worst and most embarrassing thing is seeing women my age and over drunk, half naked, foul mouthed and letting their partners say the most disgusting things to them - what is that? is that what the feminist movement has brought us to? when i went clubbing and worked behind bars the women were always the calming soothing influence, and when people got drunk generally they were nice, friendly, even a bit lovey-dovey. now it seems that everyone is looking for a fight, they are just hostile, aggressive and unpleasant. its not a nice world, but it is, for the time being, a living

didn't mean to start rambling about that. never mind.

tomorrow i also have to sort the stupid baliffs out and the court case that has been going on for about a year, all to do with my kitchen floor, i am so so fed up with it, i would give in and just pay it but, at the end of the day, the guy ripped me off and why should he get away with it? trouble is i could do without the stress.

anyway, its getting late, i have had my vegetable soup, so i should go off to the shop and see what's going on.

one more thing......tonsils......12.1.07

forgot to mention that menekse had her appointment with the ENT dude yesterday. he was very nice. took one look and said 'oh yes, we need to get these out' - and it looks like it will be sooner rather than later. she is really pleased as she has had so many 'episodes' in the last two and a half years, it makes her really ill, stops her doing her school work and singing in church among other things, also gives her bad breath, but don't tell her i told you that anyway, we are just waiting for the letter now. the main problem, as far as i am concerned, is that at 16 she is considered an adult, which i think is crazy, and that means she will be on an adult ward - probably mixed, i won't be able to stay overnight with her and also won't be able to go into the anesthetic room - she is needle-phobic and when she had her appendix out i went with her all the way to hold her hand and help her control herself, because she panics she hypeventilates and her veins collapse which makes it harder to get the needle in - a vicious circle as i am sure you will agree.

anyway, that's the first hurdle. let's see how long we have to wait, i did say we could go at short notice, let's hope it's not next wednesday when i am meant to be collecting erdinc from leicester.

sorry but i am going to brag 11.1.07

well, its day 6 of cambridge. not been a great day from the point of view i wasted alot of time because i forgot my purse......

we all had a lie in, we are starting to feel tired due to working in the shop. so we got up late, then i had some jobs to do - bills to pay etc, sorted out my subs to a couple of things. then meric and i went to cash and carry. my plan was do cash and carry, come home, have my soup sachet, take meric to beverley to training - training being on the other side of hull to cash and carry. got to cash and carry, found i had forgotten my purse the guy said they closed at 4.45 p.m. so we RACED home, got myself a drink, got merics training bag and my knitting and RACED back. got back to cash and carry at 4.39 p.m. it was closed, i was not impressed to say the least.

so, took meric to kfc for his tea, had a bottle of water myself, then drove across hull in the rush hour to take him to training. i felt really, really hungry, kept planning what i would eat in the very nice coffee shop at the leisure centre. it was like jekyll and hyde, one on each shoulder doing bad cop/good cop. anyway, the two other mums i sit with had their tea and i had..........a diet coke!! granted i felt horrible by the time i got home at 9.30 but pleased that i had resisted the temptation to give in, just thought, well, i have done over 5 days why spoil it now. i have got my first headache and have to go up to the shop now which i could do without. but still, feel pretty pleased with myself. going to weigh myself tomorrow. it will be a week since i first weighed myself and my seventh day.

also have to take the new crazy dog to the vet, he has managed to chew a bald patch on his back end, how much money do i have i wonder?

spent the whole 2 hour training session talking about our club with the chair of the club i would move meric to if it wasn't so problematic. made me quite depressed. things are pretty bad at our club, talking to jackie made me realise how bad it is. i am worried that if i keep speaking out i am going to end up as chairman don't really want that, but on the other hand meric is coming to his peak and is really enjoying it so do i want him to miss out as he nearly did for the yorkshires?

well, need to get going, its cold, i almost feel relieved we are heading into longer nights and better weather, i must be losing it

see you later

blog blog bloggity blog 10.1.07

been kind of busy, almost hectic in fact.

but feeling quite pleased with myself.

started the cambridge on saturday. that was my first full day. here we are on wednesday and so far i haven't cheated. once. not even when the kids had a meatball sub in subway yesterday the reason, i think, is the very fact that i am not eating any food. so when i feel tempted to eat that bit of pepperoni/hot chip/biscuit i don't because *i am not eating food* - so i don't pick. it seems almost too good to be true but i have found it fairly easy, i haven't even had any headaches, largely due, i suspect, to the huge amounts of water i drink, so i don't need to drink that much extra while doing this. i also don't really seem to feel hungry that much which i find really weird. usually when i don't eat i get migraine, so that's another plus.

monday the shop was closed so we had a lazy day before going to do the childrens meeting at church, which went quite well. afterwards i had to miss church to go to a swimming club committee meeting, where i somehow, inadvertently, managed to get myself elected as competition secretary :XX" class="middle" border="0"> the woman who did it previously left the club in the lurch right at the begining of the new year, we have the yorkshires etc to sort out. i think i am probably stupid and menekse is not impressed but there you go, that's what happens when you just can't say 'no'. be warned.

yesterday we went to the cinema, menekse and i went to see 'night at the museum' - pretty good, about 6/10 maybe, good clean fun, a bit silly, but ok. meric went to 'eragon' - he doesn't talk much so i don't have a review. the kids were hungry so they wanted a subway. nuff said. then last night we were all working, not busy though, just a typical tuesday in january, dead as a dodo. i was really tired though due to lack of sleep, kept falling asleep in the car between deliveries.

today we had to wake up early because, finally, the builders were coming from the insurance company, its only taken 2 and a half months and goodness knows how many phone calls to sort this out. i am so fed up with the HALIFAX i don't think i will be renewing our policy with them. our bedroom is *full* with all the stuff out of the school-room and now some of menekses stuff. one room is empty and has, today, been replastered, menekse's room is almost empty and has had a new ceiling put in it. the decorators come next week i think and then have to move all the stuff around again. thankfully menekse will sort her own things out and i will move our bedroom things and then sort the school-room out one pile of books at a time. the trouble is it is having a knock-on effect in the rest of the house and everywhere is a mess - piles of stuff and of course dust. i am starting to feel a bit overwhelmed, might have to call in some help.

got a delivery, so i will be back later, maybe.

sundays 7.1.07

are usually my favourite day of the week. but not when my husband is away.

couldn't sleep obviously woke up earlyish to make sure menekse was awake to walk the dog. the kids got off to church ok. then came home to talk to me. which is fine. normally. today i could have done without it. but don't tell them that. thankfully menekse made them lunch, one of my favourites, who am i kidding, all food is my favourite. anyway, she made chicken, cheese and pesto bake with rice and stir fried greens. it smelled delicious.

anyway, i did manage to finally get up, get a shower, have a shake and go to church. in a brand new size 20 outfit i got in the sales and which isn't tight

church was good. as usual. but i am really struggling. again. this time i feel a bit cross. its a bit of a long story and i am not sure i want to go into the whole thing here, it's probably really boring anyway. but something happened in the summer which i believed was a wonderful answer to prayer, well, i still think it was, we spent 6 months encouraging and helping someone who was a new christian. only to find out recently that alot of what happened and what was said was lies. quite serious lies too. it has actually shaken my faith which isn't good. i really thought that what was happening was of the Lord, i did pray about it, and ask God to show anything that wasn't of Him - so why am i struggling because He answers prayer? well, i suppose that when i prayed that particular prayer i had different expectations and what has happened has totally taken me by surprise, i don't really have anyone to talk to about it. there is no-one in my church my age and i don't have any close christian friends who would understand i don't think. on the positive side i am rejoicing that God moved and exposed it all before any real harm was done and that particular 'christian' has gone. for good hopefully. there are a couple of irritating things at church too which would probably be resolved if we had our minister, so roll on that day. there is this one guy who is the kind of guy who puts people off being a christian, seriously, he is a male chauvinist of the worst kind, sometimes he tries to outsing everyone else, which is quite funny, tonight he tried to change the words in a hymn, but he sang 'jesus came to save all mankind' not true. so we all outsang him 'jesus came to save sinful man'. i know, i know, shouldn't try and score points at church, very bad
but you know sometimes it can't be helped and i am only human, a work in progress and all that.

the good thing is that i have, so far, managed to keep to the shakes and the water intake - which i find easy because i drink gallons of water all day anyway. hereigoagain is going to send me a recipe sheet what a person can do with a sachet of powder and half a pint of water is anyone's guess, we shall see. i had vegetable soup tonight, which tasted the same as all the others, and banana for breakfast which wasn't too bad and did taste of banana. i am hoping that by the time my hubby comes home there will be a noticeable difference and he will be inspired to lose weight himeself, he has a large stomach and that is the danger area, i can't say it's a beer belly since he doesn't drink, more like bread and nuts, he eats alot of pistachios and pumpkin seeds.

anyway, i am off to the shop, deep joy, they are busy on deliveries apparently. i have to count some money and stop this daft dog from eating every empty bottle he can find. what is that? he can't keep out of the bin.

i did it 7.1.07

well, even though it is 3.21 a.m. and i have just got in from serving mostly drunk people with kebabs and burgers (not many pizzas tonight for some reason)......i am tired, i smell of food and cigarettes (roll on july when smoking inside will be banned, but can you get passive smoking from walking down the street and if so who can i sue? since i don't go to smoky places that often my life will become infinitely smokier). and who on earth is going to make a huge drunk bloke waiting for a kebab put his fag out? digressing. as usual.

so, even though its 3.23 a.m. blah blah blah i decided i would blog because i have got through my first full cambridge day with NO CHEATING i even kept away from the chip warmer and therefore the freshly cooked chips :-[" class="middle" border="0"> which are a temptation, especially since today at cash and carry i bought, by customer request, 'fat chips' - as opposed to 'fries' - they are particularly tasty. but i did it. i managed better than last night because i got up later, ate later and took the last pack thingy to the shop with me and had it at about 1.30 a.m the only thing is, it might just be me, they all seem to taste the same. more or less. and funnily enough none of them taste like freshly cooked chips or the very nice freshly made bolognaise pizza which i also resisted. womanfully.

i am off to bed, obviously. feeling a bit cheesed off because tomorrow (today?) is sunday, which is normally my favourite day of the week, as my reader will know, but i will miss church in the morning and will have to go to work after the evening service. i don't like sundays being disrupted like this, its the Lords day and its hard enough to keep it special as it is. but that's life married to a muslim kebab man. also as i will be catching up on my sleep in the a.m we won't have our usual nice sunday lunch together. it will be something quick with pasta for the kids no doubt, or i might just get them a cooked chicken from tesco, how terrible is that?

good thing is i spoke to erdinc again tonight, his mum is doing really well, and is so very happy that the three of them are there, the only thing is when they go out anywhere after about half an hour she starts shouting for them. which is probably making life difficult for the carer. erdinc said, in his lovely way, 'i think she is little bit fruitcake' man i miss him. he watched the matches today - bit gutted about liverpool since they are his english team.

anyway, i am off, the world service beckons because i am quite sure i won't be able to sleep. here's hoping.

and so it beginsn 5.1.07

so, today i went to see the cambridge diet lady, in wetwang, don't laugh, it's the place richard whiteley was the mayor of, before his sad demise.

anyway, i have been cutting back all week in preparation and because when i was at the doctor on tuesday i had put about a stone back on. not good.

the lady was very nice if a little odd, like me, lol, she is also a christian which was nice, she is going to pray for me and my food issues. she gave me a sample of toffee and walnut shake/meal thing. warm. which was strange but not horrible. quite nice in fact and loads better than slimfast. i bought two weeks worth of packs - no chicken and mushroom since as far as i am concerned mushrooms are the food of the devil :-[" class="middle" border="0"> but i got all the others to see which ones i like. i am about to have some sort of oriental chilli soup for my tea before i go to the shop and face the temptations of freshly cooked chips and pepperoni. menekse is there for now, at 8 p.m. we do a switch, she is coming home and i am going up there until 3 a.m. i can't wait, especially since one of our staff is 7 months pregnant and, apparently, extremely hormonal and moody " class="middle" border="0">. my husband has a theory about pregnant women, he says that living with one twice is more than enough for any man. is he trying to make a point i wonder?

i have just made the soup. note to self. soup needs to be hotter than tepid.

i foolishly put my good food calender up today. caremilsed french onion soup. looks delicious, and the sort of thing i would have made previously - especially since my mum is coming this weekend. it was hard enough making macaroni cheese for meric tonight, for when he gets back from swimming. although i say so myself i make a good macaroni cheese hopefully the desire to stick my fingers in the sauce and have a lick will soon diminsh.

the aerialm guy didn't come today. i want to say typical. but we have used him before and he was very good, so i am guessing something came up. my friend nora came for morning coffee and to sort some stuff out for the childrens meeting.

i have also walked the dogs, again, i did yesterday too. up to limekiln lane and back again. charlie is crazy and sadsac doesn't want to go anywhere. she spends the whole walk trying to turn round and go home. even wanders aimlessly up some steps to a miners holiday home.

anyway, time marches on, so, off i go to the shop. i am taking a book. hopefully menekse will video ugly betty on C4 it looks like the sort of thing we like.

there is alot of talk 4.1.07

about new year's resolutions.

i don't usually bother, what's the point? they never last.

but this year i really wanted to do something, to change something, i have been feeling so horrible, down, depressed, tired, fed up, i know its been bad because i have stopped reading for probably the first time in my life. ever.

i have always, always been a HUGE reader, always had a bag of books to carry around with me.

just after christmas i was with mum in waterstones and i actually went and sat down and 'rested my eyes', i felt so exhausted and rubbish.

so, i decided that my new year's resolution was to read for an hour a day. at least.

so far no good.

not helped by the fact that i had food poisoning after a dodgy chinese on monday night, well, the chinese was monday night the actual d and v kicked in on tuesday morning and lasted until wednesday afternoon. and then i ached. really, really ached. so i haven't actually done any reading yet. and it's already the 4th.

so, i am making my mind up to start tomorrow. i have a busy day planned but am feeling a bit better in myself due in part to eating less and to the fact that i have been sleeping in my mum's bed as erdinc is away, our bed is so, so, so uncomfortable, we really, really need a new one, so i don't feel quite as tired, i have also started taking korean gingseng, am eating less because hopefully i start cambridge at the weekend and this is the preparation phase. so, i am going to read, read, read.

tomorrow the aerial guy is coming to put an extension in my mum's bedroom, we moved her from the top floor to the middle floor - actually to the old school room, mum put a new aerial in for us last year, but we need an extension in this room for her. then menekse is going for her hair cutting at 10 a.m. i am seeing the cambridge lady at 2 p.m. and might have to go to cash and carry. i am also in charge of afternoon dog walking - which is probably doing me good, and have to stay at the shop until 3 a.m.

next week the decorators are coming, to do the top floor room and menekse's room. i will be glad when it's over and done with, our current bedroom, which will be the school room, currently has everything in it from all over the house and its making me crazy i will be glad to get all the stuff sorted out and us in a room thats just a bedroom. we are going to the top floor at the back in the hope it will be quieter for erdinc during the day when he is sleeping (my voice is pretty loud )

so, all in all it's pretty hectic and as my reader knows i don't really do hectic, but we shall see how it goes. i walked the dogs tonight, along the prom, on the beach for a bit, it was nice, charlie is full of energy and encourages sadsac to walk a bit faster, he likes to try and catch birds, and believe me there are alot of them on our beach and they are all faster than charlie, quelle surprise, doesn't stop him trying though, lol. the amazing thing is the fishermen. in the dark. on the beach. with huge amounts of kit. they must be crazy. or dedicated.

anyway. i think i am rambling, and not really saying what i wanted to say, i have to go up to the shop shortly, apparently the lad that works tonight 'isn't paid to wash up last night's stuff' - i've got news for him, he's paid to do whatever needs doing and if he doesn't like it there are two ways out - front or back. oooh, i'm a tyrant. well, i bet he's smoking when i get there.

how easy it is.....3.1.07

to eat stuff i don't really want or, worse still, need.

i am Team Pizza tonight.

well, actually, i am "Team-Pizza-in-charge-of-the-whole-shebang-no-matter-what-my-teenage daughter-says" for two weeks as my lovely husband has gone home to his mum's until the 17th. he got a cheap easyjet ticket from luton to the new aiport in istanbul - the flight was really cheap, the taxi ride from the new airport in istanbul was longer and almost as expensive. i am digressing, shock horror.

anyway.

when i went up to get the last delivery i ALMOST had a bit of pepperoni with cheese, plus a couple of fresh chips. doesn't sound like much. but add that onto what i normally eat in a day and times it by.......a few, well, you see the problem. anyway, i walked away. didn't have anything. i am trying to do the pre-cambridge preparation phase. i am also going to buy some korean gingseng in the hope it will give me a kick up the........you know. i had a look tonight on the cambridge diet website, there is a woman on there who has lost 24 stone in 24 months, how incredible is that? i just keep thinking if i do this for a year, at the most, i should be down to a 'normal' weight by next christmas and i might even be able to eat 'normally' for the first time in donkey's years.

the trouble is, on days like today, which has been a good day food wise, i feel as if i am about a size 12 - when i am still obviously a size 20-22 - so, that's another part of my problem - body image, anorexics think they look fat, i think i look thin - i wonder what that is called. food. it is such a powerful thing.

well, must go for another delivery. we have a possible hoax for 30 quid so we are not doing that unless they ring back. it's cold and windy and also starting to rain. i just washed my hair.

load of rubbish 3.1.07

to be honest i am not sure i have anything to say. i mean i am a pretty boring person. and as i watch the news about the 14 year old boy who has just sailed across the atlantic i realise just how boring i am!! what an incredible achievement. what drives people like that? where do they get their motivation? my teenagers can hardly motivate themselves to get out of bed most days

today i have de-flead and wormed the dogs what a great day. i had a nasty bout of food poisoning yesterday, i think it was the chinese i bought in my pyjamas. i was very very sick. all day. had to get someone else to do the deliveries last night - which meant paying wages, but i was far too sick to drive. still felt rough this morning but gradually felt better as the day has gone along. feel positively chipper now. and i have a theory about that. i haven't had any chocolate for a couple of days and hardly any sugar. so, i am trying to keep it up because on friday i am going to see a cambridge diet counsellor with a view to starting the cambridge diet on saturday.

i've got several reasons. for one thing my doctor really wants me to lose weight - well, so do i. seems like my hormone levels are dropping so i am heading into the menopause and am not handling it very well. had some blood tests which are all clear - so that's good, except that it makes me feel as if i am going crazy. i am so, so, so tired ALL the time, sometimes i feel as if i could just sit down and go to sleep no matter where i am or what i am doing, i also cry all the time. for no reason. it's worse when i feel tired - tired and crying. dreadful. anyway, my GP is great, he is helping me loads, i am taking some meds to help with appetite control etc and he says i can do cambridge sole source. so i am biting the bullet.

i have been reading hereigoagain's blog and it sounds like she has similar issues to me with food - not feeling hungry and eating anyway, and i can eat for england and never feel full either. i am hoping that doing the cambridge thing will help me to break the hold that food has on me, i am also hope that by doing it in public (well, in the blogsphere), it will help me to stay on track. we shall see. i am going to use the time when i would be eating and/or cooking to read, since my new years resolution is to read for at least an hour a day (and btw, it's not going very well up to now due to illness).

thought i would post a couple of pictures of our newish dog charlie.......i think one of them might be the wrong way on. he is quite funny, although he is quite tall he obviously thinks he is small and needs a lift up, but he likes sitting on the back of the armchair and watching for people to bark at out of the window.

i am weird - officially 10.12.06

it's true. i really think i am very weird.

i finished the wedding cake. last night. i didn't do royal icing; on my sisters cake i made my own marzipan and royal icing. for this one i bought ready made marzipan and ready to roll soft icing . it was SO easy, all the respect i had for those lovely looking smooth cakes went straight out of the window, rolling that stuff out and covering a twelve inch fruit cake was........well, a piece of cake frankly.

so, anyway, i had intended to use love hearts (those sweets we all love, go on, admit it, you know you want to, those and flying saucers), well, i was going to use those to cover the imperfections of the icing. didn't need toD

so, this morning i had to go and do some stuff for my lovely husband - bank, find chicken breasts (no luck, had to go to cash and carry this afternoon for the third time this week ) and get some stuff for the cake. i bought a helium balloon, candles and some matching confetti. took the cake up to the place and set it up - it was simple but effective i think. but going to the venue was when the trouble started.

i had a panic attack.

i am so weird.

i have been worrying for a few days about this wedding. there was no way erdinc could come - being saturday night he had to work and then menekse went away for the weekend. which left me and meric. and meric is even more anti-social than i am.

the do was in something called 'the bed bar' a nightclub type place above a local amusement arcade. so, it was dark, smoky, noisy and would be full of 160 people i don't know; add to that the music and the alcohol you have my worst nightmare .

by the time i came home from dropping the cake off i was hyperventilating. i did tell the bride i didn't think i would be able to go - our staff know i am weird, they put it down to me being a Christian .

i had to wake erdinc up to tell him about the shortage of chicken breasts and cash and carry, then i managed to burst into tears i was so worked up about the thought of going to this 'do'.

he just looked at me in absolute amazement and said 'of course you don't have to go, don't be silly' and went back to sleep. i love him so much, he is such a sweetie.

after cash and carry i took the new dog, the old dog, and meric - who is lanky and has lost about 7 pounds, to the beach, the dogs each had new 26 feet long leads on, the beach was virtually empty, meric had a great time with charlie, the new dog, racing around in circles, it was an amazing thing to watch. sadsac, the old dog, plodded along breaking into a skip every now and again in an effort to keep up. the walk was really lovely, did me good. i feel alot better when i get some fresh air and a decent walk even though i generally don't want to go and it takes me ages to work up the effort needed to get hat and coat on. i am trying to take charlie out at least once a day because he walks faster and further than sadsac. whilst menekse is away i am walking him twice, perhaps by the time she comes home i will feel more energetic.

anyway, the point of this blog is not just to own up to being weird, but also, that i have realised something. when i finished the cake and dropped it off i felt alot better. i mean ALOT better. like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. so perhaps taking on outside tasks adds to the general feeling of overwhelmedness i feel for so much of the time. another reason to JUST SAY NO.

took meric to training at the new club at beverley tonight. didn't think much to it. it was like a stroll in the park for him. still he worked on his technique a bit. we should know after christmas which events he has qualified for in the yorkshire championships, he is hoping for a north east counties time this year as well.

btw, meric just informed me that he is not anti-social he just doesn't have anything to say.

i was going to blog about something else tonight but for the life of me i can't remember what it was. maybe i really am going crazy.